Parents In The Basment

I know this is long overdue but mom and dad were traveling and then finding time to blog is so difficult for me lately (not enough hours in the day hence why I am typing this at 9pm).  But, it was time for some laughter in our lives because let’s face it, with this screwed up world we live in laughter truly is the best medicine; especially at someone else’s expense, HA!  So, here is the latest installment of Parents In The Basement:

Dad decided to make himself breakfast one Sunday morning while mom was busy getting ready for church.  He got himself a slice of bread and put butter on it (and possibly some other stuff, I don’t know) and he placed it in the toaster oven ON A PAPER PLATE and turned the oven on, walked away and about burned the house down.

Apparently, if the red light on your ice maker is on (and has been for a year) you might want to get that checked out unless you want your ice maker to bite the dust and cost $300 to fix it!

Dad was in the bathroom (fully dressed I might add) sitting on the throne (with the lid down) because he was trying to cut his toenails under good lighting.  Apparently the lighting isn’t very good though because he yelled, “Pat, I need you to come here.”  Mom walked in the bathroom and it looked like a crime scene with blood everywhere.  Apparently, in trying to cut his toenail, dad cut the top of his toe off instead.  Dear Lord, I cannot make the stuff up if I wanted to.

We were out to dinner and dad was reading the menu.  He said, “This goat crusted cheese rack of lamb sounds good!”  We were like, you mean “goat cheese crusted rack of lamb, dad?”  Dad replied, “That is what I said.”

I was in the basement talking to dad and mom was outside.  He was telling me about a chair outside that was broken.  Mom happens to walk in the door and dad says, “Pat, is that chair outside still broken?”  I said, “Did it fix itself?”  Mom said, “Jerry, of course it is still broken, it isn’t going to fix itself.”

Mom is obsessed and I mean obsessed about her weight.  If she gains a pound she goes on a diet.  The woman weighs herself 3 times a day and keeps a journal on the back of the commode documenting what she weighs morning, mid-day and night.  She was telling me all about her diet and exercise.  She then says (which was a huge mistake on her part because she knows my mind)……”I exercise every morning before I even get out of bed!”  To which I replied, “With dad?”  There was silence, then hysterical laughter and dad says, “No I am NOT there.”  Then mom says, “Tamara Chyleen (yes, that is my middle name….my mom was smoking weed apparently when she named me) THIS conversation better NOT be on the blog.”  Okay mom……

Dennis had been out of town and had just gotten home.  He was in his office and dad came upstairs.

Dad looking at Dennis sitting in his office – “Oh Dennis, you’re back?”

Dennis – “No, I’m not here!”

Dad – “Oh you are still out of town?” As he turns and walks away.

Back to mom and her weight obsession…..she said if she loses the weight she wants to (listen y’all, if you don’t know my mom she weighs like 125 pounds)…..she would regret giving away all her pencil skirts.  I said, “Skirts are stupid, who wears them anymore?  In fact, if you aren’t careful you can see your panties.”   Dad immediately said, “That doesn’t matter mom doesn’t wear panties!”  Dad and I busted out laughing and mom said, “Now Jerry, you know that isn’t true and TAMARA CHYLEEN you better not write that down!”

I made dinner the other night and I always make enough to share with dad.  Mom doesn’t usually want what I cook because it is too spicy and let’s face it she is on a perpetual diet at all times.  Anyway, I made stuffed bell peppers and this was dad’s reaction after the first bite:

“THAT IS THE BEST THING I EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH!  The rice is like Basmati and so yummy and the stuffing in the pepper is LEGIT!”  Yes, he said it was legit!  LOL!

Where do your parents go for fun on a Saturday?  Mine plan a two and a half hour drive to the unclaimed baggage store to just “look” at other people’s lost junk. Of course the funniest part was dad thought it was located about 45 minutes away in the opposite direction. He never googled to see where it actually was until Dennis told him. They ended up not going but went to some Bargain Warehouse and Big Lots instead. Those two are always looking to save money!

Today dad sent me a text…..”Tam, when you get a chance will you come look at our TV, it’s not working.”

I went and looked at it, everything turned on manually but nothing would turn on with the remote. The remote needed batteries! He and mom went without the TV for the afternoon due to dead batteries in the remote; but it took me coming to see what was “wrong with the TV” to figure that out.

Living with my parents truly is like living with a combination of Archie and Edith Bunker and George and Louise Jefferson.  Lots of laughter, lots of “you better not blog about that” (trust me, I have not blogged about A LOT of things); but some things I can’t leave undocumented.  My cellar dwellers are a laugh a minute.  Sometimes, it is just fun to hide on the staircase leading to the basement and listen to their banter.  I swear, if I could hook a camera up down there those two would be internet sensations!  They would go viral!  They truly need their own reality show!

Until next time……….