Has it ever happened to you? That voice in your head that reminds you of your past mistakes or the what-could-have-been or tells you that you aren’t pretty enough, good enough or worthy enough? That voice that is a reminder of all the things you wish were different? That voice that always pops up when you are the most exhausted, worried or stressed? That voice that breaks your heart into a million pieces….that my friends is the voice of Satan whispering in your ear.
He whispered in mine last night. He showed me what life would be like if Hannah was well and was “typically developed.” As I watched her fall asleep tears fell down my face. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE that little girl with my whole being but sometimes, in my weakest and most fragile moments, the evil one whispers in my ear and makes things worse. He told me that if Hannah was healthy she wouldn’t have gone through or continue to go through surgeries, procedures, many doctor appointments and using a plethora of medications. He told me that she would be in school and be able to go to church. He told me that at the age of 12 I wouldn’t be bathing her, brushing her teeth, wiping her hiney when she went potty (heck, I wouldn’t be sitting in the bathroom with her for hours each day). He told me she would be falling asleep without me standing there, would want to leave the house, take family vacations, get pedicures, go shopping and do things for herself. I had an image of a “typically developed” whole and healthy 12-year-old and my heart broke in a bazillion pieces and I cried out to God.
BUT……then I came back to my reality and I looked at Hannah now asleep. Her innocence, her dependence on me, her sweetness, her beauty, her ability to accept her life, her resilience and my heart broke all over again. You see, after I allowed Satan to whisper in my ear God in His still small voice whispered “look at what you have, look at what I created, look at the gift you have been given, look at HER. Yes, she isn’t whole and healthy nor is she “normal” by the world’s standards but she is courageous, she is strong, she is loving, she is precious and she is fearfully and wonderfully created by ME and I allowed you the honor and privilege of being her mom.” Again, my heart broke……
Satan and God collided in my mind and heart last night and GOD WON!
I will be honest……I am weary and broken. There are days I don’t know how to pray and I seem to repeat the same prayers over and over and over again; hoping that this time God will answer them the way I want them answered. I know it doesn’t work that way but I keep praying……I keep pleading…..I keep begging for my little girl to be well. Perhaps I won’t see that this side of Heaven but I keep pleading on her behalf, as does she. She prays before each meal and before bed “help fevers go away, make Hannah better, Hannah back to school, Hannah back to church.” She knows…..she still prays……she still has faith that He will heal her; so who am I to think anything differently. Her strength and faith gives me strength and faith. The faith of a child…….oh, how it puts me to shame.
Please continue praying for Hannah. If you don’t mind, say a prayer for me and Dennis too. I can’t speak for Dennis, but my heart, soul, mind and body are weary and worn. I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted; but I know that God will give me the peace and perseverance I need to press on……thank you for standing in the gap for us…….
God wins…….always……. even in the battle for your thoughts. Satan knows when you are weak and he manipulates that and he will do everything in his power to make you feel worse…..oh, but my friends, God is more powerful, all knowing and ALWAYS there; in our weakest He is made strong. Cry out to Him and He alone will whisper in your ear in His still small voice that rids your thoughts of the evil one’s manipulations.
You are stronger than you know……..press on, don’t give up……TRUST HIM!
Until next time……….