After having a conversation last night with a sweet friend, it got me thinking about the “fairytale” that most girls believe about marriage. You know…the prince that sweeps the princess off of her feet, he fights for her, protects her, he defeats the bad guy, they get married, they have lots of money and they live…..happily ever after! You know….that story. The false impression every Disney movie, Hallmark movie and chic flick (romantic comedy) portrays. Not that I don’t love those kind-of movies, I do, but, for most of us, maybe not all, that is truly a fairytale and fairytales DON’T come true.
Now, I know people who would probably disagree with me and maybe you are one of those that has had that fairytale romance/marriage. If so, wow, you are one of the few! I also know people who realized early on that they made the biggest mistake of their life marrying who they thought was their prince charming or princess (for you men out there). I never want to say that failed marriage is only the man’s fault because we all know it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it, for the most part anyway. I could write a whole blog on abuse, abandonment and adultery here, but I won’t. Minus those issues, it takes two. Now, I speak from experience, because I have had a failed marriage. It isn’t something I speak of often but I also don’t live or hide underneath a rock and pretend it didn’t happen. Would I have done things differently hindsight 20/20? Absolutely….I wouldn’t have married him! But, I did and that is on me….my mistake and I found out VERY quickly just how big of a mistake it was!
I met Dennis shortly after my divorce and saying I came with baggage is an understatement! I came with a PILE of baggage and we had to work through a lot for me to even trust him because of my lack of trust and belief that there was a good man out there and he was it. We had big hopes and dreams for our future together and truly our marriage started off really great! We were in love….in awe and HAPPY! Very happy with each other and our life together. We were certain we would have our Happily Ever After. That was until our world was ROCKED and we were shaken to our core with the news we received at 17 weeks of pregnancy.
Our precious little girl who was conceived in love was not “perfect” in the eyes of this world. She had an extra chromosome that was going to keep her from being “perfect.” She would have trouble mentally and physically and at that moment our dreams died, our hopes were shattered and our perfect world came crashing down. Am I being dramatic here….NO! I remember not even knowing how to pray the next 20 weeks of our pregnancy. I didn’t want this. I was angry. I was sad. I was in complete and utter disbelief. How could God allow this to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this punishment? True and harsh, but it is how I felt. My world was turned upside down and I was broken. Dennis was broken. We could have been broken apart because of this news but instead we CHOSE to be broken together.
Broken together…..that is how the last 9 1/2 years has been for us. We have not had chances to completely heal from our individual brokenness before another roller coaster loop hits and sends us spiraling back down out of control. So, in a lot of ways we have never recovered. We have had MANY joys along the way. Many times of happiness and laughter; but always in some aspect waiting for the other shoe to drop….which in our case, always does. Now, I don’t mean it is always gloom and doom….this past year, yes….perhaps, but not always. But, in some ways we have never been whole again. Sometimes our brokenness is slight….just a little sadness that we hide extremely well. Sometimes it is just an ache in our heart that we can’t shake but it is always there. Most of the time we have never spoken of it to others and even each other. We desperately try not to dwell on the sadness and heartache but focus on the good, positive and joyful moments!
This past year that has been more difficult and we have acknowledged our brokenness more to each other and to others. I think the word “broken” is a good word to describe the feeling. It seems to incorporate the sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness and grief that we feel…..A LOT. I was thinking last night as I was lying in bed because my eyes wouldn’t shut to save my life, about that brokenness. I was thinking about how it could have destroyed us years ago and didn’t. How this past year was and still is the most trying time we have been through and yet here we are still broken, but together.
I am thankful…..I am thankful that Dennis and I can be happy together and broken together. I am thankful for a husband that supports us financially. I am thankful for a man who isn’t afraid to cry. A man who isn’t too proud to admit that he is broken at times and a man who FIGHTS with everything he has for his wife and child. I am thankful that even though we are broken…..we are broken together and not apart.
Life is not easy; especially this road we are walking but I am so blessed to have a husband that is willing to continue on this path with me no matter what. We are walking it broken, yet together and even if we don’t get our Happily Ever After here on earth…..we will in Heaven.
Hmmmmm, maybe we will get our fairytale ending after all!
Until next time…….