The holidays, from Thanksgiving on until the first of the year have ALWAYS been my favorite time of year. I love the weather (this Florida girl hates the heat) and we finally get a break from the heat and humidity this time of the year. I love the festivities. I love shopping. I love having our Christmas card made. I love the tree, the lights, the ornaments, the presents. I love the food, drinks and parties. I love the fire roaring in the fireplace. I love….IT ALL! That was until this year…..I admit it…..I have the holiday blues!
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and to be honest, it felt just like another day for us. We were thankful….the 3 of us, and we expressed that it could be worse; but in all honesty we know it could be better too. We tried to make it a good day. I cooked a little lunch for us (ham, sweet potato casserole, creamed corn and green bean bundles) and we took a walk; but that was the extent of it. Dennis watched a little football, Hannah played with her iPad and I “piddled” around the house. It wasn’t a bad day…..it just wasn’t what I wished for. I want to celebrate holidays with family and friends. I want a house full of people. I want laughter. I want happiness and joy. I want….what we used to have. So, yes…..I finally understand what the holiday blues are and they aren’t fun.
I have already had to come to terms with a few things that won’t happen this year. There won’t be parties that we can attend. The shopping won’t happen, as there is no point spending money on toys that Hannah won’t play with. This will be the first year out of 13 that we won’t have a Christmas card and in all honesty this is the thing that is breaking my heart the most! We have always done a picture Christmas card and I send out over 200 of them, but there is no way to do it this year. Trying to get a good picture of Hannah is rare and getting her to smile for the camera is too difficult. In fact, I will ask her if I can take her picture and she will say “no smile mama.” So, no family Christmas picture and no card. For those of you who get one, I apologize as it just won’t happen this year. Maybe when we find a cure for Hannah I will send out a “Miracle Card” to shout it from the rooftops that we have Hannah back!
I am just not feeling the “spirit” of the holidays. I honestly would cancel Christmas this year if I could! I am trying to be positive. I am trying to smile. I am trying so desperately to not feel this way. I keep telling myself the things I have to be thankful for and the many reasons I have to be joyful; but the daily struggle that we have with Hannah tends to completely overshadow what I try to tell myself. I keep saying, “this is just a season of life, Tamara.” Yes, there I go again admitting that I talk to myself. I do it all the time. I do have the best conversations with myself….heck, we always agree and that is nice! I digress….I do tell myself that this is just a season and one day I will look back on this time and understand why we went through it…..but, at this point it doesn’t seem to be getting any better and when we do have good moments, the minute I get my hopes up that something we are doing is working, those hopes are shot down instantly…..I wonder, is this our new normal forever? I pray not. But, only God knows. I trust that He has a plan and His plan is perfect but oh how I long for our old normal back…..
So, please forgive me if I can’t put that smile on my face or get excited about the holidays this year…..it is just too much and I honestly wish I could just hibernate like a bear right now until we get past this season…….this season of the year and this season of life…..
Until next time……..