A friend of mine posted this today on Facebook and it really spoke to me. I am a huge supporter of being authentic, real and at times raw. I am the type of person who tells it all for the most part (sometimes too much of the time). For the record though, I don’t tell everything as I do keep some things in my heart and mind. Trust me, if I said everything I thought or felt y’all would think I had lost my marbles.
This hit me this morning. I pride myself in being authentic; yet I fail at this. I fail most days at letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be and embracing who I am. Just like any young girl growing up I had huge hopes and dreams for my future. Some of those failed hopes and dreams were because of my own poor choices and others were because of circumstances out of my control; nonetheless they are failures Crushed hopes and dreams are difficult to get past…..even years later. Your mind can go back in time and play the “what-if” game. What-if I had done this instead of that or what-if circumstances had been that instead of this…..that game is dangerous and it only makes you more discontent with the life you have now.
If we were all honest I would venture to say that there are things in all of our lives that we wish were different. There are things we could change if we set our mind to and let’s just be real for a second….there are things YOU CANNOT change even if you tried. I get really discouraged/angry when I hear people say or read on Facebook that “you can change your circumstances if you set your mind to it.” That is bull……there are things in life you have absolutely ZERO control over; so don’t listen to those lies that people tell you. YOU DO YOU! You can’t live the life someone else does just like they can’t live yours. No one has any clue what your life consists of on a daily basis, even if you try to tell them; they cannot fathom it.
Embracing who you are is not always an easy task. Sometimes the life we live is lonely, hectic, stressed, hard and embracing those times is not easy. It is easier when your days are fun, exciting, happy (like when you are on vacation)….HA! But, the difficult times through health concerns for yourself or a loved one, problems on the job, loneliness, financial instability……those are difficult times to let go of who you thought you would be and embrace who you are and the circumstances you are in.
I will be honest, life the past 5 years has been HARD. 2018 has been horrific! We had dinner last night with dear friends and we were talking about all that has transpired just this year in our life and WOW…..when you say it out loud with the timeline of events it makes you cringe and it isn’t over yet. I was able to tell our friends that God has been so gracious during the difficulties this year with the death of both Dennis’ parents, the death of my Grandma, my mom’s illness and my health issues that Hannah has been in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically than in the past 5 years. For that I am so very grateful.
I look at Hannah and she helps me embrace my authentic self better than anyone. You want to know why? I will tell you……it is because she embraces her authentic self, her circumstances, her life better than ANYONE I have ever in my life met. Here is a little girl (well, a 13-year-old teenager) who has no immune system, a bad heart, a disease that affects her brain and personality (PANDAS), a dysfunction of her autonomic nervous system (Dysautonomia), Raynaud’s phenomenon, and a plethora of other health issues and through it all she is CONTENT and she SMILES and LAUGHS! Her body can’t handle the heat of Florida (due to 2 of her seizure meds she cannot sweat), so she doesn’t want to go outside nor could her body handle it so she sits…..in her playroom…..watching Disney movies and Elmo, playing with Barbie’s, baby dolls, reading books and flashcards, entertaining herself beautifully and happily……content and with no care or concern about anything (unless it rains and then she will come hug me and say…..”rain scary, it will be okay mama.”) HA!
WHO is THAT content to just accept the life that she has zero control over? MY KID! The kid who has every right to be sad, discouraged, angry and discontent is anything but those things. So, with that said, who am I not to embrace my circumstances and embrace the life God has given me that I have zero control over? I can’t change my health issues right now…..yes I can do things to help improve my quality of life but I have no control over what has happened. I can’t change Hannah’s life. I can’t change the fact that my husband has lost both of his parents this year or that I lost my last grandparent. I can’t change what happened to my mom or fix that for her. BUT, I can accept and embrace this life and be my authentic self; putting aside that person I had hoped to be and just be ME! Is this life lonely? OH my, more than I have words to say but the one thing remains that has been here for 46 years…..JESUS……He loves me, He gave me this life and He equips me to handle whatever comes my way. He is the one constant in my life and I have learned (sometimes the hard way) that He is all I need. One day…….He will wash away all the pain, sorrow, sickness and death and in Hannah’s words “go to Heaven no more night, no more pain, no sick anymore, happy all the time with Jesus.” Amen baby girl, Amen!
I will close with this…….don’t worry or fret about what could have been or who you thought you would be. You aren’t that person. Embrace your circumstances and who you are now because of the life that was chosen for you. In the hard times, pray. In the good times, pray. In the sad times, pray. In the happy times, pray. Trust that God has you in the palm of His hand and know that nothing can pluck you from it!
Until next time…….