The Hands And Feet Of Jesus…….

hands-and-feet

I am amazed at the way the Lord uses people……I stand amazed at those that are His hands and feet.  I feel unworthy to be ministered to and yet, there are people in this world that hear God’s voice, know His calling on their life and LISTEN and do for others.

I have watched God work the last few weeks.  I have seen His hands and His feet in the form of everyday people who just want to serve Him.  I have seen people give of their time, money and talents.  I have witnessed first-hand God’s mighty provision when everything seems to crash down around you…..how He reaches down and gives you a peace that passes all understanding and calms you in the middle of a raging storm.  I have witnessed things that ONLY GOD could do and I stand amazed!  Amazed at the people God has put in our path…..those people that are living testimonies of the willingness to serve no matter their own circumstances.

You were Jesus to me

The hands and feet of Jesus……I long to be that to others.  I want to be intentional and serve.  I want to be as much of a blessing to others as those that have been to us.  I know that I am “trapped” here in my home but I am determined to find a way to minister in my circumstances.  I have seen first-hand that it can be done and I long to reach out to those hurting and encourage with my words and deeds.

I have been encouraged and loved on by old friends and new friends.  I have been encouraged by the heartfelt words of those that care.  I have been on the receiving end of cards in the mail with extra blessings inside that ONLY GOD could know was needed!  I have witnessed an outpouring of love, blessings and support on my family that have left me speechless.

The hands and feet of Jesus……there is so much brokenness around us.  Everywhere we look there is someone who needs to be loved on.  I don’t want to sit back thinking that someone else will do it.  I don’t want to sit back and think that the person God brings to my mind has “plenty of support and love,” and that my encouragement is not necessary.  I don’t want to sit back and not be the hands of feet of Jesus……we are the only Jesus some people see.  I’m not just talking about Non-Believers here either.  There are so many Believers that have never “seen” Jesus in others.  There are so many that have never been loved on and ministered to.  At some time in our life we all need to “see” Jesus in action and the only way to do that is to serve when God lays someone on our heart.  I have been on the receiving end several times the last few weeks and the sacrifice that has been made by others on my behalf has done a miraculous work in my heart!  Yes, even us Believers get sad, depressed and lonely.  What a blessing when someone reminds us that we are NOT alone and that The Lord will never leave us or forsake us especially when the storm is raging!

being-jesus-hands-and-feet-to-the-world-real-christianity

Can I encourage you today to find someone and be the hands and feet of Jesus to them?  Take it from someone who has “received” this over the last few weeks……YOU will make a difference in someone’s life if you listen to God’s voice and serve.

I am going to be intentional……yes, I can’t get out much but I can make a meal or send a card or make a phone call.  I can offer words of encouragement, prayer and support……will you be intentional with me this week?  I challenge you to find someone this week that is hurting or going through a difficult time.  How many people could we help if we all helped one person.   Let’s all be the hands of feet of Jesus to one person this week and touch someone’s life in His name!

Until next time………

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Our New Normal

If you have followed my blog for any amount of time you will know that the last 6 months have been extremely difficult for us.  Hannah has had a “mysterious illness,” and all the testing has shown nothing, yet she continues to run daily fevers, have tummy issues and catches every germ that she comes in contact with.

After lots of testing, doctor visits and doctor’s consulting with each other it has been determined that the life we have lived this past 6 months is most likely our new normal!  Hannah’s little body is different, thanks to that extra chromosome.  It is amazing what one little chromosome can do.  It makes you “look” different, have cognitive delays, health issues, sensory processing disorder and a slew of other things.  Hannah has what the doctors are calling a thermo-regulation issue.  It could be temporary or permanent; there is no way of knowing.  Because of this, her body overheats and has no way of ridding itself of the heat except by fevers.  The understanding is that her body with running fever is being “tricked” into thinking it is fighting an infection that isn’t there.  So, when she comes across any germ/bacteria/virus the resources that would normally “kick in” to fight it off can’t because it has nothing left to fight with.  So, even though the fevers are her body’s way of ridding itself of overheating; her body is in constant “fighting infection” mode and has nothing left to fight real infections off like it would normally with her immune system.  Hannah has a low immune system, always has, but it isn’t TOO low.  Meaning, she is kind-of below average. She has an immune system, just not a fantastic one.  So, if it weren’t for these daily fevers she would most likely be able to fight off alot of the germs she comes in contact with; but now she can’t.

I know this probably makes no sense to most people.  Most people don’t understand the way the immune system works or the way the body works in “typically-developed people, much less in Hannah’s case.  Unfortunately for Hannah, she has just been dealt a difficult hand in life because of a low immune system, a bad heart, a thyroid issue and now this thermo-regulation issue.

Because of this……our life…..what you see right now is our new normal.  Our prayer at this point is that one day, if and when God sees fit, that He will take those fevers away and fix this thermo-regulation issue so that in His timing Hannah can have her “old normal” life back.  I would give anything to have our “old normal” back!  So, I guess it is time to stop fighting this and accept it.  I am having great difficulty accepting the fact that my 8-year-old little girl is a prisoner in her own home.  I find it very difficult to accept that this loving and social butterfly can only interact with Dennis and me.  I find it very difficult to accept that the little girl who LOVES school, her friends and teachers so much yet cannot go.  I find it very difficult to accept that any thoughts of dance, soccer, cheerleading, church, sleepovers, playdates, movies, vacations and eating out are not going to happen.  It is all so very difficult to grasp, wrap my head around and frankly be okay with.  But, you know what?  I have no choice but to accept it and embrace it.  God has a reason…..I don’t know what it is; but my trust is in Him and I will do my best to make life fun, happy, joyful and exciting for Hannah.  I just hope I can find the joy in it myself.

calms the storm

So, if you think of it and want to pray for us…..we welcome it!  Prayers for healing, peace, joy and acceptance!  My heart is broken but I hold on to the promise that God will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  I know that His ways are not my ways….His thoughts are not my thoughts and His plans are not my plans (Isaiah 55:8-9); but All things work together for good to those that are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)!

Not my ways

Until next time………..

 

My Aching Heart

Warning:  This post is raw, honest and difficult……

My heart aches…..it aches every.single.day.  It is an ache that I cannot describe except to say it is constant.  My heart physically hurts.  This journey we have been on since we found out on March 8, 2005 that Hannah was going to be “special” has been difficult.  We have had plenty of joyous moments, but in all honesty; it has been more difficult than joyful.  I have found that joy is hard to come by many times.  I have found that putting a smile on my face is way more difficult than a frown and I have found that grieving is a daily part of my life.  I don’t spend hours just sitting and staring into space as I mourn and grieve what might have been; but as I go about my daily chores, those thoughts do come to mind and I am sad.

With that said……I love NOBODY like I love Hannah.  She is my world and honestly the reason I exist!  I pour everything I have and more into her on a daily basis and I will willingly and lovingly do that for the rest of my life.  So even though I grieve daily; I love her with every ounce of my being!  This hand that we have been dealt is hard, lonely and difficult; but God entrusted us to do our best and I just pray that we are.  I will never understand why He chose Dennis and me.  That question baffles me constantly because I can think of more well-qualified women that could probably do a better job at this mothering thing than I seem to think I am doing.  I do feel like a failure as a wife and mom most days because I honestly have nothing left in me to give by the end of each day.  I seriously try to be Wonder Woman but I am far from it.  I don’t give God the time He deserve and I definitely don’t give Dennis the time he needs or deserves.  I am just thankful for a God that forgives when we let Him down and so far, my husband has been forgiving as well.

People tell me all the time that I am amazing and they don’t know how I do what I do.  The truth is, I am NOT amazing and I do what I do because there is no other choice except to runaway and that is not and never will be an option for me.  I know mom’s and dad’s that have done it and they are cowards!  One thing I am not is a quitter or a coward!  But, I am here to set the record straight that there is NOTHING amazing about me.  God didn’t see something “special” in me to give me a child with special needs and numerous health issues.  He saw an average woman.  I don’t have special gifts or qualifications.  I am not super strong or holy.  I am not any wiser or more spiritual than most.  There was and is nothing special about me.  Now, He alone has equipped me to deal with what comes our way, thus far.  In all honesty, if not for the grace of God and Him equipping me…..I  might have given up.  Hell, I might have given up before Hannah was even born!  As much as I am against abortion…..unless you are facing that “choice,” you truly don’t know what you would do.  When you are sitting there in a doctor’s office and he is telling you that your child WILL NOT SURVIVE birth and have no quality of life…….yes, I can see why people choose to abort!  I am not condoning it by any means, but without my faith in a God that loves me, if not for support of my husband, family and friends.  Yes, even I might have taken the easy way out.  So, you see…..there is nothing special about me.  Dennis and I chose life for Hannah even when the doctors told us we were wrong and that we were thinking emotionally instead of logically.  I wouldn’t change that decision for anything.  Like I said…..I will do what I am doing for the rest of mine and Hannah’s life; but the bottom line is it isn’t an easy life and there are days where I am just surviving.

I don’t mean to be down-in-the-dumps on my blog posts but as I have said many times before this blog is my therapy.  I have learned that when you write it out, it helps to let it go.  I just choose to share these thoughts and feelings with the world-wide web in hopes of helping someone who might be or might will experience these same things in their life.  I am not depressed or suicidal (even though it has gotten back to me that some people think I am).  Again, people with nothing better to do than critique and criticize and read into everything I write.  But, life is hard…….I won’t lie about that.  Most days, it is not fun but we get through.

I feel so badly for Hannah.  She misses school like I never dreamed she would.  She misses learning, playing on the playground and her sweet friends.  She was learning SO much, doing so well and then she got sick.  I hate, hate, hate this for her!  I could seriously  never leave the house again and I would survive and be okay; but oh my sweet little girl longs to be social.  She asks everyday to go to school.  Every Sunday as Dennis leaves for church she says, “Hannah church now.”  She misses out on everything and it makes me so very angry inside!  People say, “well at least Hannah doesn’t know ALL she is missing out on.”  Well, honestly that comment pisses me off because you know what…..she isn’t stupid….she KNOWS…..she knows so much more than we give her credit for.  She might not realize that there is a zoo, park, movie theater and water park out there in this world…..but I guarantee you that she knows there is more to life than the hand she has been dealt.  She knows about school and knows that she has friends that she never gets to see or play with.  She knows about the Library (one of her favorite places in the world) and she knows about church.  She misses those things and I think grieves those things daily!  The highlight of Hannah’s week is doctor appointments and her teacher who comes on Wednesday nights.  So, yes…..I am angry and sad for her.  Not for me!  I know why we are stuck at home and I know that it is what is best for Hannah right now, but that doesn’t make it any easier!

I told Dennis the other day that life and reality just suck!  Told you this was me being honest and raw.  I am not going to sugarcoat things because most people do.  I am not going to paint a picture of “perfection” when it doesn’t exist.  I agree, that there are people who have it better and I am happy for them.  I also know that people have it worse and that is where my heart breaks.  I know how angry, sad and lonely I feel at times and I hurt that others endure even greater heartbreak and pain.  I think, that is why I share what I do; so people know they aren’t alone.  I feel alone everyday and it isn’t a good feeling.  I have gotten used to it and now, and in all honesty I wouldn’t know what to do if I was surrounded by people all the time.  I went from being an extrovert to an introvert these past 8 1/2 years.  I don’t like crowds and personal space is HUGE for me.  It is probably my defense mechanism that kicked in.  I was alone so much right after Hannah was born that it just became my new normal and it is what it is.

The last 8 1/2 years has changed me and I will write another blog post addressing that in detail one day.  For now……my heart aches.  It aches for what could have been and it aches for what is.  I will end this though on a positive note…….

There is nothing in this world sweeter than Hannah when she wakes up in the mornings.  She gets a book and comes and crawls in bed with me.  She will say, “hey mommy,” kiss me and open her book and begin reading.  We cuddle there for about 15 minutes and it is the sweetest time of my day!  So, I will cling to those moments and be thankful for those times of peace and pure love.

strength

Until next time………

If It Wasn’t For Bad Luck…….

I am not a person that really believes in luck, but after the past 10 days if I did believe in luck my motto would be:  If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have NO luck at all!

The last 10 days, for lack of a better word have been pure HELL for us.  What started out as a MUCH needed break from reality turned into a very stressful and difficult bump in the road!  I will say that even though we went through a very difficult time, God was indeed faithful.  He was one step ahead of us and paved the way for us to be loved on and taken care of.  So, for that, I am so grateful for the love, support, care, and encouragement we received through all of this.

It all started out as us wanting and needing to get out-of-town.  We needed a change of scenery, fresh mountain air and away from everyone and everything.  Dennis, Hannah, Henny and I needed time alone and away.  Sweet friends of Dennis’ allowed us to rent their house in North Carolina to do just that……get away and relax.

Our drive to the mountains!  What a beautiful sight!

Our drive to the mountains! What a beautiful sight!

The view from the mountain house

The view from the mountain house

The house we rented.  I took a walk and took this picture!  Oh how I wish we could have stayed all week!

The house we rented. I took a walk and took this picture! Oh how I wish we could have stayed all week!

Last Saturday, we made the 8 hour trip to Clyde, NC, although unbeknownst to us, a nasty virus was lurking at one of our 3 pit stops and like everything else attached itself to Hannah.  By Sunday afternoon she was running 102+ fevers.  On Monday, she seemed better but at the lunch table, if Dennis had not been quick enough; she would have hit the floor because she passed out completely in his arms.  To back up a little bit, we were HIGH in the mountains and had zero phone reception and there was no landline in the house.  The only way to get phone service was to climb the mountain behind us (which I did 6 different times) to call Hannah’s pediatrician, cardiologist and our friend Michelle in Atlanta.  Because of Hannah’s heart and at the time not knowing why she had spiked fevers and passed out, all of her doctors wanted her to be seen at the ER.  Even though we had only been at the mountain house for 2 days and we were supposed to be there the whole week; we cleaned, packed and loaded the truck to head 3 1/2 hours south to Egleston Children’s Hospital in Atlanta.

Egleston Children’s Hospital blew us away.  They were kind, efficient and because of Hannah’s heart she was considered critical to the point we didn’t wait at all!  If you have ever been to the ER in Jacksonville, that is NOT the case.  After running many tests the doctor’s were fortunately able to conclude that Hannah’s heart looked okay, but did recommend a heart monitor when we get home, which our cardiologist will do in the next week or so.  We don’t want to take any chances with her heart but we were very thankful her heart was not the cause of this.  It was determined that this was a nasty viral infection that had to run its course.  Her fevers hit 104 over the next few days after this.

This is where our BLESSING came in.  The Garrison’s and Holman’s used to live in Jacksonville.  Michelle, Tammy and I were inseparable growing up.  They all live in Atlanta now.  All it took was one phone call and they dropped everything to help us.   Mike and Michelle let us crash out their house….actually they let us just come in and take over.  Mind you, not only was it Dennis, Hannah and me but also Henny…..but, they loved Henny like she was human!  Almost too human, because that dog got SPOILED rotten….HA!  If it weren’t for those 2 families, I truly don’t know what we would have done.  They loved us, cared for us, allowed us to completely change their plans and bring all of Hannah’s germs into their home which didn’t bother them!  They helped with Hannah when she was so sick, cuddled her, read to her, played with her….whatever Hannah wanted or needed….they did!  I am forever grateful for my family…..they might not be blood but they are my chosen family and there is nothing better than having friends like that!

Henny and Courtney (Tammy's daughter)

Henny and Courtney (Tammy’s daughter)

Henny and Michelle

Henny and Michelle

Henny and Mike

Henny and Mike

Do you see a pattern with those pictures?  Yes, Henny was spoiled to say the least but with everything considered, she deserved it.  I will add here that Henny was incredible!  She was attentive and truly acted concerned about Hannah, especially in the hospital!  So, the little extra love and attention that Henny got was well deserved!

Dennis and I have learned several lessons over the last 10 days.  Right now, Hannah’s immune system is completely shot and we cannot go anywhere!  We will not leave our home now except for doctor appointments until we get to the bottom of Hannah’s fever and tummy issues that she has had now for 6+ months.  Her body is fighting something and it is utilizing all its resources to fight whatever this is and has nothing left to fight new germs/bacteria or viral infections when they hit.

I knew this, but after this past week I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have the best pediatrician, cardiologist and infectious disease doctor in the world.  They all stopped several times to answer my calls or texts and then each of them has called or texted me throughout the week to check on Hannah.  I am beyond grateful for their love and concern for not only Hannah but for Dennis and me too.

Dennis and I have decided that we are going to make some changes here at home to accommodate Hannah having to be stuck here.  We are both such “tight wads” with money but it is now time to spend some since it appears that Hannah won’t be leaving this house much.  So, an outdoor play set is the first thing on the to-do-list.  At least it will give her something fun to do being stuck here at home.

Lastly, I must say this as I know that as much support as I have received; I have also been criticized harshly by some.  So, for those that want to judge me and the decisions we make….go ahead!  There are people out there that look at me and blame me for Hannah’s lack of immune system.  They say that I didn’t allow her to be around germs to build up her immune system and this is my fault.  They say that I don’t trust God enough to know that He will keep her safe from germs if I would just bring her to church.  There are people who think they know how to walk in my shoes even though they have never come close to walking in them.  Yes, people can be mean and they can be hateful.  But, you know what…..I say go ahead to those that are.  I have learned this week because of the Holman’s and the Garrison’s, because of the amount of texts, FB messages and emails, that I have people who love and support me in all I do.  I don’t need the naysayers in my life and Dennis and I are doing exactly what we know we have to do and we won’t change because someone thinks that we are doing it wrong.  You will not see Hannah and me in church, but you know what…..God knows why and I guarantee you that He understands.  He gave me Hannah to take care of her, love her and do what is best for her and that is what we are doing.  Sorry, I had to get that out because there are a handful of people who rather spend their time judging me and trashing me behind my back than deal with their own problems….so have at it……you will not hurt me any longer!  The only place Hannah is safest is at home…..so that is where we will stay.  I will not risk her health for anyone or anything…..that is the biggest lesson I learned this week.  Her health is the utmost importance…..PERIOD!

All that said…….we are now home and thankful to be here.  I am indebted to the Holman’s and the Garrison’s for ALL they did for us.  There is no way to repay them……they took us in, loved us and took care of us.  They showed Jesus’ love through their words and actions.  That isn’t just friendship, that is family!

We continue to covet your prayers as we have several doctor appointments this week now and of course as we continue to try to get to the bottom of Hannah’s illness for the last 6 months.

Until next time……..

Not A Great Day and Thankfulness

Yesterday Hannah was complaining of her “back hurting” and didn’t want to walk.  When she did walk it was not with her usual “quickness.”  For those that don’t know, Hannah’s walking is more of a sprint!  The child runs everywhere!  She also is a hopper.  She loves to hop like a bunny and yesterday she only took baby steps and refused to run or hop when we went outside yesterday evening; which is so unlike her.

This morning instead of coming and crawling in bed with me when she got up, she called me from her bed and said, “Mommy, back hurt, no walk.”  That is when I knew something was not right.  All day today I have had to carry her from her room, to the den, to the bathroom.  She just sits.  Putting any pressure on her legs makes her cringe.  I did call the doctor and they told me some things to look out for.  Her fever is slightly higher than usual today and there are a few other things going on; so I am just watching her today with the possibility of going back to the doctor tomorrow.  So, if you are reading this and you don’t mind; would you say a quick prayer for Hannah that she will get better and there will be no complications from the procedures that she had on Tuesday.  Infection is our main concern.

I know the title of this post is strange…..it hasn’t been a great day, but I always try to find something to be thankful for.  Right now I am focusing on being thankful for a friend that listened to God’s voice, recognized a need in our lives and met it.  I am thankful for people who truly have a servant’s heart and even though I would rather be on the giving end of things I am also very thankful in difficult times to be on the receiving end.  Times are difficult for us right now and have been…..well, for 8 1/2 years; but especially the last 6 months have been quite trying!  I am thankful for a husband that works hard but also sees when I am struggling.  He has seen me struggle over A LOT of things for quite sometime now and I am thankful that he has been my rock.  There have been days that I have felt like I couldn’t take my next breath and he has recognized that and allowed me to vent, yell, scream and at times say some no-no words, with no judgement on his end.  I am thankful that most people haven’t walked nor will they ever walk in our shoes with health problems and their children.  The Down Syndrome diagnosis is NOTHING compared to the health concerns and with Hannah there is very little “break” time between health issues.  So, I am thankful that so many of my friends and family will never have to endure what we have!  I am thankful that Hannah doesn’t really realize what she is missing out on.  I realize it and Dennis realizes it; but other than missing school and her friends, she doesn’t really understand all life could offer her right now.  Dance lessons, soccer, cheerleading, eating dinner out, going to Disney, putt-putt and the movies…..those are things that she doesn’t know she is missing out on.  She does ask to go back to Mickey’s house every now and then but of all those things that is the only one she really knows.  She was thrilled to go to the hospital on Tuesday…..I reckon it is because that is all she knows and she might even think that all kids go there as often as she does.  So, as difficult as life seems to be so often; I am trying to remain thankful……thankful for a friend that reached out on Tuesday and met a need; thankful for a husband that works hard and is supportive and thankful for a little girl that doesn’t complain about the life she is missing out on and still keeps a smile on her face.

Today,  I choose thankfulness……and I am focusing on that!

thankful

Until next time……….

We Wait

I am no stranger to waiting…..since it seems that is what my life mostly consists of.  Just because I wait….ALOT, doesn’t mean I am good at it though.

Hannah had a couple of invasive and not-so-pleasant procedures today and she did phenomenal!  The most difficult part for her was the night before “prep” work.  She came through the procedures well though.  Had a little trouble coming out of anesthesia, but that is pretty common for her and frankly every time I have had to be “put under,” I am difficult to wake-up as well.  She takes after me in almost every way, much to Dennis’ chagrin…..but, that is for another blog post.  Of course, I probably won’t be writing that one as most of the characteristics Hannah got from me, are the bad ones!  HA!  Just put it this way…..she is over-the-top OCD, a germaphobe and I TRULY have to watch my mouth around her because she has seriously repeated anything bad I ever say and she continues to!  OOPS!

Anyway, back to the point of this blog post.  See I am so tired I am getting off track and off the subject and well, I am fixing to do it again.  I digress…….SO, now we wait.  We wait for all the biopsy results to come back.  Dr. Evans took a ton of samples and did notice a few abnormalities.  I questioned him, which I think made him want to hit me, but I did it anyway as to what he thinks could be the problem.  His answer was that he wasn’t going to speculate and we would see what the pathology report said NEXT Wednesday!  ARGH, a whole week and a day!  Waiting…..story of our life, but at least the worst testing part is behind us and hopefully and prayerfully we will get answers next Wednesday and even more hopeful for RESOLUTIONS to all of Hannah’s health issues!  Of course, I am pessimistic enough to know that we could get sent all the way back to square one, which I DO NOT WANT!

I have to trust that God knows and in His timing all of our questions will be answered and that one day……in the not-to-distant future we can get back to “our normal.”  Of course, “our normal” is not like most people, but I certainly MISS it!

Thank you for all that have thought of us and prayed for us!  You are carrying us through this with your love, concern, friendship and kindness!

I took this the other evening after our walk.  It was chilly outside and she walked around with her hoodie up and her hands in her pockets!  Love this smile!

I took this the other evening after our walk. It was chilly outside and she walked around with her hoodie up and her hands in her pockets! LOVE this smile, LOVE this child!

Until next time………

Living Or Existing

I have thought about this title quite a bit lately and I truly believe that more people just exist than actually live.  I know what both are like as I have lived and I have just existed.  Living is of course, the way to go….if you can.  But, I believe with my whole heart that existing is what alot of people do.  I also believe that most people won’t admit it either, as they are afraid to acknowledge it as it could make them feel like a failure, a loner, depressed or a complainer.

I will admit that right now, in the place I am…..I am just existing.  Now, don’t get me wrong here…..I am not suicidal or depressed and I am not complaining….just being honest!  I think people need to know that sometimes you do just exist.  There are times in life where you don’t see the light at the end of that tunnel and you feel like you will never “live” again.  I know that isn’t the case.  I try to look at each circumstance as a “season of life.”  Sometimes those seasons are dark, gloomy and they seem hopeless.  You just exist.  You are thankful that you wake up each morning and you go about your day the best you can; sometimes dazed and confused, but you still do what you have to do, but it is limited to that.  Doing what you “have” to do instead of what you “want” or “desire” to do.  But, hopefully and prayerfully the season will pass shortly and you can live again.

I have gone through phases the last 8 1/2 years.  Those of just existing and those of living.  We have had seasons of living…..where life is fun, where everyone is healthy and you laugh alot.  Then, there are those seasons of existing……where fun doesn’t occur much, there is lots of sickness and laughter is few and far between.

Life is so strange……there are days that I wonder what my life is supposed to consist of and what kind of imprint I am supposed to make.  There are days that I think there has got to be more to life than what I am doing and then there are days that I know that God gave me this journey for a specific reason (I just haven’t figured that one out yet).  I know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be.  I know that I am doing what God called me to do and I know for a fact that God’s grace is sufficient!  I admit though that I have difficulty some days “embracing” my calling; again just being honest.  Motherhood in itself is no walk in the park and then you throw the special needs aspect and poor health into the mix and holy crapola…..somedays I definitely feel like a fish out of water not knowing what to do and even worse, questioning what I am doing wrong.  It is amazing to me how I have changed over the last 8 1/2 years (that is a different blog post for another day).  I do know that the changes in my life have been necessary to my survival and I am sure there are even more changes to come.  Some changes good, some not so good; but again a different story for another day.

I want to live life; but there are moments of just existing and that is okay.  So, if you are out there and things are not great for you….hang on, you will live again.  Maybe you hate your job or boss.  Maybe your marriage is in trouble or your children are out of control.  Maybe you have lost a loved one and you are drowning in sorrow.  Maybe you feel that it takes all you have to just breathe.  Maybe you are dealing with sickness for yourself, a child, a spouse or a parent.  Maybe the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you are JUST EXISTING…….my advice……give yourself a break.  Allow yourself to cry, grieve, scream, cuss have a glass of wine (limit it to one though as I don’t want to condone alcoholism).  Give yourself time…..distance yourself from negative people and influences and of course……PRAY!  I spend alot of time crying out to the Lord.  My prayers are not “holy.”  What I mean by that is I talk to God like he is my closest friend…..I ask why, I cry, I ask for what I want and need (of course then praying for His will only).  And, as you know, if you read my blog…..I yell at Him too.  He is your friend…..He will be your best friend if you let Him and you can tell Him anything (because actually there is nothing that you can say that will shock Him, since He already knows).  I truly lay it all out there to Him; He is the only one I trust with everything and yes, that includes the good and the bad.  Trust me, some of it can be really bad!  But, we all need someone to “vent” to; why not the ONLY ONE that truly knows it all already.  At least you won’t shock Him!

He will help you live life again……not to say that there won’t be times where you will just exist (look at me as I go between living and existing like a freakin’ rollercoaster ride).  The point is…..He will give you what you need; the grace, strength and peace to live again.  Don’t be afraid of just existing though……we grow in that time; stronger, braver, more courageous.  We all want to live, but each time after “just existing,” living is that much sweeter.

living and existing

Until next time………