Something happens when you have a child…..you kind-of lose a little of yourself. You have to let go of certain things because you have this new, tiny, helpless person that needs you and relies on you 100% of the time. In the case of special needs mama’s like me, that part of yourself you lose when you have your child sometimes you might never get it back. If you do, it is because you figure out some kind of balance between caregiving for your special needs child and figuring out how to care for yourself too. I struggle with that so often. I miss the part of me that I lost, but trying to incorporate that part of me into my life today is extremely challenging and at times seems impossible.
I miss my independence and freedom as I have mentioned many times before but I also miss the accomplishments, tenacious spirit and fighting for something and seeing it come to fruition. I miss working, trying to solve problems and then the satisfaction of being part of the solution. I miss helping people and I miss earning a paycheck. So frustrating when you want to do something for your husband and you have to use money that he earned! Not that he minds because when I quit work it was with the understanding that what he earns is mine as well, but it makes you more cautious on how you spend money and what you spend it on.
I have really struggled lately with numerous things. I feel useless a lot. I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I don’t matter. I feel unappreciated. I feel overly tired and exhausted. I feel that everything I do or say somehow gets messed up and misconstrued. Let’s just face it, I have been in a major FUNK! I have been such a “Miss grouchy britches”…….I call Hannah that a lot and I have been right there with her as of late. Hers can be chalked up to PANDAS and/or hormones and well……mine can only be chalked up to discontentment and an overall feeling of exhaustion mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I will blog later in the week about something I have decided to do to help myself feel better from the inside out. I will probably blog about that on Friday or Saturday. Today though I realized that I had also just lost my fight. I didn’t care anymore. I was tired of fighting, pressing on, advocating and letting my voice be heard. I was just plain weary and something happened today that gave me my fight back. It is too much to blog about right now and at this time I am still awaiting an outcome of the issue at hand but I found my fight and voice again today and it gave me a feeling of belonging…..a feeling that I do matter and a desire to pick myself up, put myself back together for Hannah and Dennis’ sakes; not to mention my own self-worth and the need to press on.
The thought even crossed my mind today as I walked out of City Hall…..”geez, I sure miss working here.” There was a feeling of nostalgia and accomplishment and I realized I still do have it in me to face the big dogs head on and not back down. I might not win every battle but by golly it won’t stop me from fighting and I needed to remind myself today that I may be little but I am strong. God has given me a little girl who needs me to fight for her yesterday, today and tomorrow. I will have to fight for her in every aspect of her life and giving up has never been nor will it ever be an option. As long as I have breath in my lungs I will fight. Today, I fought and it felt good……almost powerful to know that no matter the outcome my voice and my heart was heard. I needed that today as it makes me want to do better. We have an uphill climb with several issues facing us for Hannah but I am gearing up and ready to tackle those issues head on. Win or lose; at least I can say I tried.
Until next time……..