Oh how my heart hurts. Hannah has been “flaring” for almost 3 weeks now. This is a really bad flare; which has caused horrific aggression and rage. I won’t go into any more detail than that, but suffice it to say it is destroying me emotionally. When Hannah flares, I am her target. I guess that is good because at least I know she won’t do these things to other people but I will admit, a mother’s heart can only take so much. I am jealous…..jealous of Dennis and all the other people (teacher, babysitters, therapists, doctors, nurses) that come in contact with her and the hugs that they receive and yet…..none for me. I just want one hug. I just want her to wrap her arms around my neck without pulling my hair, scratching or hitting me. I just want one hug.
I can’t sit here and expect anyone to understand, unless you have been in a similar situation but it is devastating. This child whom I carried for 9 months, who I left a good job to stay home with, who I have rarely been away from for 11-1/2 years…..this child I am scared of. I mean, what mom says that? I am scared of her. She is strong and when she gets angry it is all I can do to keep her from hurting herself or me. In that anger and rage if she isn’t attacking herself or me she is finding something to throw or destroy. It is heart wrenching and has brought me many times to my knees sobbing.
I don’t understand……am I not praying right? Is my heart not pure? What am I doing wrong? I pray daily for peace in my home. I pray daily for healing. I pray daily for good health. I pray scripture. I beg. I pray with Thanksgiving. I have prayed every possible way I know to and yet…..things are as bad now as when this hell began in March 2014.
The loneliness and heartache I feel is so hard to even put into words. This absolute helplessness is the worst feeling as I watch her struggle daily. I am at a loss, I would give my life if it would take this from her. I feel as if she blames me for some reason. I mean, I am mommy…..mommy should be able to fix this all and make the pain go away and I can’t. The looks she gives me with her eyes and the anger they reveal, but only towards me…….no one else and again, for that I am thankful, but completely heartbroken about, at the same time.
I know this flare will pass at some point and I will be able to get those hugs and kisses until the next flare comes around. Unfortunately though, with each flare my heart shatters just a little bit more. Funny thing is, I am not a touchy-feely affectionate type of person. I don’t need hugs; in fact very rarely will I initiate a hug with people. I don’t turn them down, but I don’t have to have them…..except from Hannah. I would hug her and hold on so tight forever if she would let me; but she won’t. My heart is shattered and I just want this flare to be over. I want the doctors to figure out a way to help her. I want this dreadful disease to be in our past. I want peace in my home. I want us to live again. I want the “old” Hannah back. I want joy in our home and life. But, for right now I would settle for just one hug.
Until next time……..