Exhausted……mentally, emotionally, physically and yes, even spiritually! Don’t take this as me quitting or giving up, because I am not, but exhaustion is starting to hit me hard.
Hannah isn’t sleeping and hasn’t now for about 5 weeks…..she goes to sleep quickly and sleeps for about 5 hours and then is up and down MANY times between the hours of 1am-5am. I truly don’t know if she sleeps at all during those hours. She comes into our room and I walk her back to hers and tuck her in each time; but I do think sleep escapes her and frankly, it is escaping me too. She then sleeps from about 5am until 8am, which is a blessing but those 4 hours in the middle of the night that we are both missing out on is debilitating for us both. I truly have no energy during the day and neither does Hannah, but she won’t nap. I have trouble shutting my brain off at night so it is 11pm-midnight before I ever get to sleep and then the vicious cycle begins….let’s not even begin to talk about the mental and emotional exhaustion of the past 18 months.
Then, there is the Spiritual exhaustion. Yes, you can get spiritually exhausted…..where you have prayed, pleaded and begged God so much to see doors open and then slammed in your face….yep, that will do it…..that will exhaust you. Don’t get me wrong here I am NOT losing my faith or hope in my loving God that still provides me grace, mercy and strength each and every day to press on. He still provides exactly what I need, but I am human and at times I wonder what He is doing, why He is allowing it and when He is going to make this work out for our good! I am sure He is working this out for our good, we just don’t see it yet. I am clinging to the hope that we will see it….sooner rather than later!
A friend of mind sent me this the other night and it brought me so much encouragement….I shared it on Facebook but wanted to share it here as well:
Hannah is the Lords. You are the Lords! Rest in Him and don’t carry this burden!! Hannah is made perfect in His sight and He will carry you all thru this.
This great task of mothering Hannah is your precious sacrifice to the Lord!
In 2 Samuel 24:24 “I will not sacrifice to the Lord that which costs me nothing”
Perfect and beautiful sacrifice and worship can come at a great cost.
You are paying a great, high cost daily as you mother Hannah. It is a beautiful sacrifice to the Lord xoxo
Precious sacrifice?!?! I truly never have thought of mothering in that way. I have never looked at what I do each and every day as a sacrifice to the Lord. Yes, I do know I have sacrificed but not in any way that another woman in my situation would hopefully do. I see no other choice but to do what I need to do for my child, my heart, my love. I have never looked at what I do day-in and day-out as a precious sacrifice to my Lord. What a beautiful description, thought and encouragement.
I have said this many times that I know exactly WHY God gave Hannah to me……it was His ONLY way to get through to me. It has taken the past 9 1/2 years for God to truly get a hold of my heart and life and for me to commit wholeheartedly to Him. Yes, I was raised in a Christian home, I was raised to honor and love God. But, you can love Him and still not be 100% committed to Him! I lived that life for 33 years! I knew right from wrong, I would ask forgiveness and then I would go right back to my wicked ways. Not to say that even today I don’t get “wicked” sometimes….just ask Dennis as many times my basic mode of transportation is that of a broomstick and having an evil laugh! But, what I am saying is it took this situation, removing me from basically the outside world for me to realize that the ONLY ONE we have is Jesus!
Hannah has taught me what unconditional love is. She has taught me what true sacrifice is and she has taught me grace and mercy….the kind that we should extend to others! I didn’t have those qualities prior to Hannah. Heck…..unconditional love in my opinion didn’t exist. True sacrifice was skipping a few meals to afford the new pair of shoes I just had to have in my 200 pairs shoe collection and extending grace and mercy to others….well, it just didn’t happen from me! I was so legalistic in my thinking that I was better than anyone else……especially those that didn’t believe the way I did. Oh, it makes me sick to think of the people I must have offended in my legalistic way of thinking. It makes me sick to think that I was better than anyone else and it makes me sick that I didn’t extend grace…the kind of grace that Christ extended to ALL of us on Calvary! Yes, I was that person…..that cared more about materialistic things and nothing about people for so many years.
But…..because of a little girl named Hannah……all because God knew that He would NEVER get my attention any other way…..I became a mom (when I swore up and down I would NEVER have children) to a child that required my unconditional love, precious sacrifice, grace and mercy!
So, you see……over this past 9 1/2 years of practically being a prisoner in my home I have learned. I have had a great teacher….a little girl who has taught me what forgiveness is. A little girl who doesn’t see color, status, gender, age….a little girl that I truly believes looks through her eyes like the Lord looks through His. Not saying Hannah is like Jesus because He was sinless and she most certainly is not; but that she loves everyone (except Barack Obama, but that is a another story for a different day). She truly doesn’t hold a grudge, or care if you are black or white, gay or straight. She doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, old or young. She doesn’t care what you can or cannot do for her. She just LOVES. Now, she doesn’t care if you sin either so I know she and the Lord disagree on that, but my point is she doesn’t let legalism or this world tarnish her ability to see PEOPLE and extend love, grace and mercy to each and everyone (again, except Barack Obama but I think she has just heard Dennis and I express our disdain a little too often).
I know this blog post is all over the place, let’s chalk it up to my exhaustion but bottom line is this…..I serve a mighty God. A God who loves us ALL. A God who has extended His grace and salvation to us ALL! A God who goes before us, carries us and will never leave us nor forsake us, especially in the difficult days!
Today, as tired as I am, I am clinging to that……His grace is sufficient for me especially in my weakness and my precious sacrifice to Him is mothering this special gift that He gave me…..a little girl named Hannah and even through my exhaustion that is enough to keep me pressing forward!!
Until next time………