Being a stay-at-home mom is something I thought I would never be. The fact is, and I truly hate to admit this, I never wanted children. I thought I would be a happily married working wife. God had other plans. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change my life now, but had you told me 8 years ago that this would be my life, I would have seriously laughed hysterically at you.
Dennis and I never really discussed children before and after we got married. I was just under the assumption being that we were older that he didn’t want them and he was under the assumption that I did. HA! Nearly four years into our marriage, the subject came up……the conversation went like this:
Dennis: “I was just wondering…..when are we starting a family?”
Me: (Assuming we were a family), I said “what do you mean?”
Dennis: “When are we having kids?”
Me: (Thinking to myself….what? He wants kids? The honeymoon is officially over)…..”Ummmmm, I was thinking we wouldn’t have kids. You want them?”
Dennis: “Duh, yes, of course, don’t you?”
Me: “Ummmmmm, no.”
Me: (The conversation got serious here) “Honey, you need to pray for me then; pray that God changes my heart because as of right now, I don’t want them.”
What I didn’t realize about myself at nearly 33 years of age was how very selfish I was. Probably the real reason I never wanted children was because I was selfish and didn’t want the added responsibility and to be honest, hindsight 20/20, life was SO much easier without the responsibility, but so not as rewarding!
Well, Dennis prayed for me and I prayed for me. I prayed that the Lord’s will would prevail and if it was my heart that needed changing or if it was Dennis’ heart that needed changing, the Lord would change the appropriate heart. Three months after the above conversation; it was my heart that was changed. It changed so drastically too. I never had a nurturing bone in my body. I baby-sat some in high school but not often; just really wasn’t my thing. I had only changed one or two diapers in my entire life and I recall putting them on backwards. I never played with baby dolls, I was a Barbie girl. I never have gone crazy, giddy over kids…..I wanted the career….you know the business suits, high heels (which I wore up until the day I gave birth) and the briefcase! Children were not in my long-term goals, dreams or plans! Like I said…..God had other plans for my life. All of a sudden, I WANTED a baby…..I WANTED to be a mom…..I WANTED to experience having a child and I WANTED it NOW! HA! Be careful what you pray for…..God will sometimes give it to you sooner than expected and in a way more than you ever imagined! The above conversation happened in June 2004, God changed my heart in September 2004 and we found out I was pregnant in December 2004! Talk about life-altering, fast changes in our life!
Fast-forward to now and here I am a stay-at-home mom with a special-needs child and I couldn’t ask or want for anything more! Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I truly MISS working. I miss the money, the friendships, the lunches out at cute little downtown deli’s with friends/family. I miss the accomplishment at the end of the day where you helped solve problems and completed important projects. Now, my greatest accomplishment is cleaning toilets! HA! But, I wouldn’t change it. I am blessed. I have a husband that truly wants me to do what I want to do. In fact, just last night he thanked me for what I do and added that he could NEVER do what I do. To be honest though, I could never do what he does either! The fact is, we were all meant to do something in this life. God had a specific purpose and plan. Everyone has a reason and purpose! The thing is, sometimes we don’t get to choose what our purpose is…..like I said, I had something completely different in mind for my life; but God picked this for me…..you really can’t argue with the Lord especially if you totally surrender to His will. When I prayed those 3 months, I truly and completely surrendered….I wanted what He wanted for me, so I know I am where I am supposed to be. It isn’t always easy….there are days where I think…..”Really, this is my life? Cleaning, cooking, laundry, chauffeur, nanny, bill-payer, etc.” It definitely doesn’t pay well and it is 24/7 with no vacation or sick days and frankly, there are days that I wonder if I was cut out for this job. But, then I look at my Hannah’s sweet face and I realize that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I do have the BEST job in the world…..not many people get to do what I do, so I am thankful. Yes, I know God has something else for me to do, but like I said in the previous post I am just prayerfully waiting to see what that something is. Until then, I remain thankful that even though I am not accomplishing “important” things in Corporate America, I am in our little world and I am okay with that!