I haven’t blogged in a while not because I haven’t wanted to but my time and energy has been focused on other things; mainly Hannah. There are so many thoughts that go through my head. It sometimes is like having 700 tabs open on a computer…..sorting through those tabs (thoughts) is hard. There is so much about myself that I am down on; yet so much about myself that reminds me that God is still working on me and I pray that I am allowing Him to do what He needs to do. Sometimes that “work” though is painful, lonely, scary and sad. I feel like I should be wearing an “under construction” sign so people know that I am not who I want to be or who God wants me to be…..I am almost thinking I never will be.
Life this year (2019) so far has been WAY difficult for me. With my illness and Dennis being out-of-town so much (more than ever….he is out-of-town again right now) and with seeing Hannah regress and possibly have a “new” issue/diagnosis on top of everything else; 2019 has not been a great year. I try to put a smile on my face and “fake it until I make it” but that is not always easy. I think the word that can best describe me right now is just broken. I don’t feel brave or like I have it altogether. I feel discombobulated and out of sync, out of touch and just plain crazy most of the time. It is like every time I try to do something I get distracted, disinterested, unmotivated or something happens to draw me away from it and then I never finish it. I have a type A personality so then when I don’t finish something, it makes me mad and then that broken feeling sets in and the cycle continues all over again. I am probably making no sense in this blog post! HA! BROKEN…..LONELY…..OUT-OF-PLACE……Like you don’t fit in anywhere or with anyone….have you ever felt that way? That is the best way I can describe what this year has been so far to me. I am not sure why God is allowing this particular “valley” for me. What is He trying to show or teach me? What is it that I am supposed to learn from this?
I bought this book…..100 Days to Brave last week and started reading it. I highly recommend it. It is a devotional book but it is an easy read…..not long, drawn out or too hard to understand. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of feeling out-of-place. I want to be brave. I want to be okay with the season of life I am in and on this journey. There is so much about my life that is hard but there is so much about my life that is easy compared to others. I find when getting discontent, trying to remind myself about the joys of my journey and the parts that are truly easier than most. I am so blessed not to have to work outside my home. I am so blessed that I have a husband that will do pretty much anything I ask of him and he never makes me feel like I am a burden. He never questions when I spend money or what I do when it comes to our home or with Hannah. He kinda just allows me to be the CEO and CFO of our life (which again my Type A personality really likes/needs). HA! So, I do have so much to be grateful for but sometimes the hardships (especially Hannah’s health issues) overshadow the good parts and I feel weary, weak and broken. I so wish I could just fix it all for her. I wish I could take all her pain and misery on myself and make her whole. I would do it in an instant. Until I became a mom I had no clue what unconditional love was……I sure found out with Hannah. I remember Dennis wanting another baby so badly and I just couldn’t do it mentally or emotionally. I finally one day looked at him and said…..”I cannot do this again as loving someone this much HURTS.” It literally hurts to love this much……it isn’t a bad hurt except for the fact that Hannah has been sick her entire life and the plethora of health issues continue to compile. We are dealing with a whole new possible issue right now that has blindsided us. It is just never-ending and so very hard. But, I want to be brave instead of broken. I want to rise up above the struggle and be and do more than just get by. I want to take my journey and use it to help others. I want to be brave…..I want to take all of this brokenness, loneliness, helplessness and these challenges and make it all matter. I am trying to figure out what that looks like for me….for Dennis….for Hannah. We have A LOT of changes happening for us this year and I want to take these changes and our life’s circumstance and make it matter. It is time to rise up and be brave instead of broken and I am determined to figure out what that looks like for us.
On a different note, I am not sure who needs to hear this but I thought it was blog worthy. Being a caregiver for anyone regardless of who it is for, it is difficult. Perhaps it is your child, parent, sibling, grandparent or friend. Whatever the case and no matter for how long, it is an exhausting and lonely life.
Dennis left town AGAIN on Wednesday, but he texted me this as a friend of ours sent it to him and told him he was praying for us.
My response to his text was “TRUTH.” I have walked this road for 13-1/2 years. I never in a million years dreamed that I would be considered a “caregiver” just a mom but believe it or not there is SO MUCH about our life with Hannah and that I do not share publicly as I truly do have private things (shocking, I know). I told someone the other day that living with Hannah is almost like caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. It is the same repetitive phrases, the same repetitive actions, the same routine, the same everything over and over and over again. If you get out of that routine it sends Hannah in a downward spiral of agitation and anxiety. If there are too many people around she gets agitated and overly stimulated. She cannot handle loud people, places or environments. She honestly doesn’t do well going anywhere and hates to leave our home, which is her safe place. When I say we are home 24/7, it is the truth….other than doctor visits and the occasional trip to get some take out……we are in Hannah’s safe place…..our home. Not an easy road and trust me I have had a lot of people criticize me for how we do things and look down on me. But, due to Hannah’s low immune system, her health issues, her anxiety and sensory processing disorder until you have walked in our shoes you have no clue why we do the things we do. I finally came to terms with not listening to the negativity of others who don’t understand; but it isn’t easy or fun a lot of the time. I rely on God’s grace and mercy to carry me through and you know what? HE HAS and He continues to. I am thankful for those who have chosen to walk with us and love us on the journey. Please pray for Hannah as we are doing more testing next week to see what is going on in her little body that is “off.” We have a lot of questions and no answers and we covet your prayers.
If you are struggling, if you are sad, lonely, broken and if your journey is hard……remember you are NEVER alone and you are loved.
Until next time………