I miss the little girl who I gave birth to. I miss the little girl who was always happy, full of energy, ready to give away hugs and kisses at a moment’s notice. I miss the little girl who never cried, never screamed and had no clue what a temper-tantrum was or how to throw it. I miss the little girl with eyes so bright that they could light up the darkest night and a smile so big that it engulfed you and you couldn’t help but smile back no matter how bad your day was. I miss the little girl who didn’t know constant pain and even when she was sick could handle it like a pro; with a smile. I miss the little girl whose laugh was infectious, danced constantly and sang at the top of her lungs all.day.long. I miss the little girl who played happily in her room for hours on end; entertaining herself beautifully so I could get things done. I miss the little girl who didn’t know the feeling of anxiety and had no clue what obsessive compulsive disorder was and how horribly it can derail your ability to live. I miss the little girl who loved everyone, especially me.
That little girl is gone right now and my heart aches. It is a heartache that I cannot even begin to put into words. It is like someone is stabbing me in the chest repeatedly with a knife and twisting it each and every time. I have a constant ache, not the kind I have always had since before she was born. That one was tolerable; this one is so much worse. This ache is one of loss. Yes, I know she is still physically here but in a way it is like she isn’t. The little girl that she was prior to March is long gone and from my understanding will be forever. I am grieving so badly to have that little girl back…..yes, she was still sick but not like she is now. If I could just have the little girl back prior to March, sickness and all I WOULD TAKE IT and not complain. The physical sickness, the Down Syndrome, the fevers, the tummy issues are all manageable….this HORRIFIC, UNCONTROLLABLE PANDAS is not! PANDAS stole my little girl and I despise it! I hate PANDAS. I hate what it has done to my sweet, innocent little girl and what it has done to my family. I hate that we can’t go anywhere or do anything. I hate that we don’t laugh anymore. There is no peace, there is no joy and there is no happiness. I hate that we are prisoners in our own home and I hate that life is passing my little girl by with no friends, no exciting adventures and no joy!
I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!
As I prayed over her last night as she was falling asleep, I told God that I knew He had a plan and I trusted Him; but I don’t understand. I begged, pleaded and cried out to Him to heal her as He is the only one who can. I still believe that. I still trust Him and I still know that in His timing He will make all things good! But, I am human and I can’t sit here and tell you that I am enjoying any of this. I can’t sit here and tell you that I count it all joy. I wish I could. I wish I had the spiritual strength like Job did. I wish I could sit here and say “Bring it on,” but in full disclosure and complete honesty…..I cannot say that. I am not strong enough ALONE. It will ONLY be the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father that we get through this and when we do; HE alone will receive the praise! There will be scars…..they are already there. It has taken a toll on my marriage, my mothering skills, my homemaking skills and my duties as a wife. I cannot lie, I refuse to sit here and let anyone think I am Wonder Woman and have handled this well. I do the best I can, but without Christ…..I would have already given up! Truth!
I look at the pictures that line the walls of my hallway and I cry. I cry out for that little girl in those pictures. I cry out for the life prior to March and I cry out to the ONLY ONE that can give me all of that back…..JESUS!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus there’s just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus like the fragrance after the rain. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but there’s something about that name!
Until next time……..