Websters defines an “aha moment” as:
a moment of sudden realization, inspiration, insight, recognition, or comprehension
I will be honest. I wrote a blog post yesterday that I was going to post today but then last night the strangest, most surreal, most wonderful thing happened and I decided to blog about that instead.
I do my best thinking, praying, reflecting at night when I am putting Hannah to bed. I don’t always put her to bed but when I do it is the quietest time I have throughout the day and it is during that time where I can really pray and reflect. Dennis has been out-of-town and I have gone at this alone and my days are harder when he is gone because I don’t have him coming home in the evenings to give me some relief. So, when he is gone, I tend to be more stressed, anxious and sad.
Last night, Hannah was falling asleep and I was sitting on the floor in her room praying. All of a sudden, through my prayers I heard God speak. Now, listen, before you think I have completely lost my mind, it wasn’t a verbal communication with Him. It was more in terms of what I called my “Aha Moment.” It was almost like he turned the light switch on in my brain and I saw things clearer than I have in a very long time. It was His wisdom and He mercifully gave me this aha moment so I could get a glimpse of His hand and have peace in my heart.
So, here is what He told me……
God gives us all strengths to get through life. Some people He gave incredible talents to, like singing, dancing, acting. Some people He gave incredible minds to like those who become doctors, nurses, lawyers, financial/banking/accountants and teachers. Some people He gave the mind for creativity like people in marketing and graphic design. Some He gave amazing personalities to for journalism, public relations and realtors. Some people are introverts and don’t like to interact with others but are wonderful scientists and computer programmers. He then also gave some people amazing courage, bravery and a sense of no fear and those people are wonderful military, police officers, firefighters and federal law enforcement officers. God gave amazing gifts for us to use. Fact is though, He gave me none of what I just mentioned. Now, that is not low-self-esteem talking, that is just the facts. I don’t have the genetic make-up to have done any of those careers well. I could have dabbled in some of them, but to be successful, I would not have been. God didn’t give me the drive, stamina, competitiveness or the motivation to do any of those things and to do them well. One of the things I was taught growing up was we need to do everything we do as pleasing unto the Lord. Yes, I could have been a police officer, teacher, nurse but I don’t know that I would have done any of those things well because God called me for something else.
I didn’t realize what that something else was until I had Hannah. Now, it wasn’t my plan and it certainly wasn’t my dream to be a stay-at-home mom of a little girl with special needs but it IS what He equipped me to do. My Aha moment came last night when I realized (and I know this was God turning that light switch on in my brain) that He always had given me the contentment to be at home. I was always a homebody, even as a child. I never liked to leave the house. I craved sleep, I was happy even as a child to play in my room alone. I would go outside with my brother for all of 5 minutes to play ball or slide down the slide in the backyard and I was done and was going back in the house. I never had big dreams of being rich and famous, even though I wouldn’t mind having the money now, but the only thing I would use it for is to get Hannah what she needed that insurance won’t pay for. When I did work, I was never content or satisfied. I got bored easily and hated, hated, hated working 8am-5pm! I hated driving in rush hour traffic and there was nothing worse than working for such a small paycheck, ha!
All those years ago, God was preparing me and equipping me to do just what I am doing right now. He instilled in me what I needed for today all those years ago. Patience, contentment being at home, low-energy (believe it or not that is a gift for me). If I had high energy and had the need to go, go, go; I would be absolutely miserable. I never thought that low-energy, low-stamina and no athletic ability (ha) would benefit me like it does. I literally have to force myself to run in the evenings. Once I do it, I am happy that I did, but it truly is a chore for me. I only do it because I want to take care of this one body that God gave me. He instilled in me a love for cooking and even cleaning. Yes, I am crazy, but there is nothing better in my life than a clean house! I smile when I vacuum (yes, I just officially turned into my mother)!
I admire those women God gave IT ALL to. Those mom’s who have the motivation, drive and stamina to work full-time, have kids, a husband/partner, a home and they DO IT ALL! For those of you who don’t realize it….God equipped you for that! He didn’t equip all of us for it. The thought of having to work outside the home literally makes me sick to my stomach but not because I don’t want to, because I know I couldn’t do it if I tried. So, those of you who do it….WOW, you amaze me and that is a gift from God that He equipped you with something He did not equip me with. But, you know what? He equipped me with what I needed and last night that all became clear to me. I was sitting there praying and literally begging God to heal my child and He calmly put His hand on me, calmed the storm in my soul and spoke (not audibly as I don’t want y’all to think I have gone crazy), but that still, small, quiet voice in my soul…..”my dear child, I have equipped you with everything you need to do for what I have called you to do. I have chosen this life for you, for a specific purpose and all you need to do is to do it as unto me and I promise you, it will be okay.” I literally heard those words spoken into my heart. No lie here people…..I literally felt His presence as tears streamed down my face and I realized “AHA” that is what He called me to do and He truly has equipped me and started years ago preparing my heart, my mind and my soul for this journey that HE CHOSE FOR ME.
Pretty amazing, huh? Do I still get down and sad? Absolutely! He never said it would be easy, He just said He would never leave us nor forsake us. He equips those He calls and you know what? We each have a calling…..it is up to you to listen to what that is.
***Right after I wrote this blog post, before I hit Publish Hannah went into one of the worst rages I have ever seen. She bit her lip and wouldn’t stop, but with each bite she screamed in pain attacking herself and me. Scratching, kicking and hitting. It was all I could do to hold her wrists so she couldn’t inflict more pain on herself or me. She wouldn’t stop biting her lip and there was no reasoning with her that she was doing it to herself and to just stop (this is part of the OCD, she becomes obsessed with harmful behavior and literally cannot stop). For 30 minutes she cried, bit her lip as blood gushed from it and looked at me like I was then one doing it to her. I finally got some Motrin in her (treats the inflammation on the brain and calms the harmful OCD behaviors). This is the REAL look of PANS/PANDAS. It can happen instantaneously, without reason and it is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching to watch as your child cannot stop! The anger, rage, aggression, depression, anxiety and OCD of this disease is horrific. I know Satan allowed that to happen before I hit Publish on this blog because he didn’t want me to Publish this one. He didn’t want me to acknowledge to myself or anyone else that God is going to equip me and carry me through this, no matter how difficult it is. The evil one is losing this one…..I am acknowledging it and I am relying on God’s infinite grace, strength and mercy to get me through. HE equipped me and continues to….the evil one can kiss my ______! (you can fill in the blank….I won’t type the word). LOL!***
Until next time………..