Maybe I have had this all wrong…..perhaps my thought of “there is always a plan,” is not completely accurate. Don’t get me wrong, I am not losing my faith or hope in my Lord, but perhaps not everything happens with some “great” plan attached to it. Maybe some things just happen because it is life and life sucks. I know that sounds extremely negative and pessimistic and in some ways that is how I feel right now. But, I have been “expecting” some great big revelation, healing, purpose and meaning to the last nearly 3 years and none of that has come. I am beginning to wonder if it ever will.
Hannah is worse……she started flaring last week and this morning she is worse than I have seen her in a very long time. I don’t understand. Is it the new medication that she is on? I know the flare started most likely from being at the doctor and hospital 2 days in a row week before last and she came in contact with some germ that affected her brain causing inflammation; but this flare started out mild. The past couple of days though…..WOW…..she is flaring something awful. This morning has been the absolute worst and I have the marks to prove it! I will spare you the details but let’s just say it is like living with a mountain lion and rattlesnake all at the same time.
I find myself praying “Lord I know you have a purpose and a plan for this.” But, I am not sure anymore. The Bible says in John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
God told us we would have tribulation. He also told us that He works everything for our good in Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
So, I am a little confused…..you see I might be a Christian and believe in my whole heart that I serve a mighty God who can do anything, including healing my little girl, but I know in life those things that we pray earnestly for and hope for with all we have don’t always happen. I believe both of these verses and I know that no matter what God is holding us, carrying us and that He loves us. I believe that nothing happens that He doesn’t already know about but I do not believe anymore that everything has some great big plan and purpose. As the Bible says in John 16:33…..we will have tribulation…..it doesn’t say there is always some big plan for that tribulation….it is, in fact, just life and sometimes life.just.sucks.
I have never said I am a Biblical Scholar…..far from it. All I really have to go on is what I feel the Bible says and from the teaching of God’s word that I had growing up. I will be honest, I was always taught that there is a reason for everything we go through. I believed that until now. I am not saying God doesn’t have His hand on me. I truly believe He does, but there might not be a BIG REASON for all of this. It might just be life…..we all have something in our life (at one time or another) that we can’t shake, that doesn’t make sense and that causes us unfathomable pain. Example….my mom is suffering from chronic vertigo. She truly is suffering about 2 weeks out of every 8-12 weeks. There is no cure….she gets it, and she has to just get past it. My grandpa suffered for years with it, chronically and never completely got relief. I have had it chronically since I was 14 years old but not as bad as the two of them have and did. What is the purpose? The reason? LIFE…..that is the reason, not some big plan that has yet to unfold.
Now, I do believe God can use circumstances and situations in our life to bring Him glory and be a testimony for Him. My friend Angie, who lost her battle with cancer was no doubt used by God to share her faith through that awful cancer journey that ultimately took her life. Did that journey bring the Lord honor? Absolutely! Could anyone have told that story better than Angie? Probably not and that is why I believe God chose her. Were people’s lives changed because of watching Angie? Yes, they were! So you see, I do believe in some things there is a purpose and God can use those things for eternity. But, I don’t believe everything has a big plan or purpose. I believe that sometimes we go through things because life throws us curveballs.
Now…..can God heal Hannah? YES! Will I stop praying for that? No way! I will pray for it for as long as it takes (it might be when the Lord returns to get us) but I will pray nonetheless. Can I be frank? I have a strong faith, but I am human. I get angry, I get sad, I ask why. Does God give me peace like He promises? Yes, He does. Let me say this…..if not for my faith and belief that one day NONE of this is going to matter I would have no hope to cling to. My hope and my joy is in the knowledge that one day He is coming back for me and I will spend eternity in Heaven. No more sadness, no more tears, no death, no sickness, no sorrow. My little girl will be made whole and she will never be in pain (mental, emotional or physical) again. Clinging to that hope is what carries me through days and weeks like we are in right now. Is it easy? NOPE! Do I want to quit sometimes? YES! Have I threatened to runaway to Vegas or a deserted island in the Pacific? YES, just ask my husband (I threaten it at least once a week). I haven’t even told him yet about this morning’s adventure with Hannah……so I really want to runaway right now!
But, through the pain, loneliness, sadness, grief and turmoil; the Lord is with me and still gives me a peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes that peace comes because I pray for it and sometimes it comes because I know someone else is praying for it for me. Trust me, there are days (like today) that I cannot even find the words to pray. That is when I know others are praying for me and for that I am totally grateful!
Until next time……….