I interrupt my 4-part NYC trip posts for something else today. I want to finish blogging about my trip, so I have it in writing to remember, but something else is on my heart today so please excuse the interruption…..
I saw this picture the other day and I posted it to my Facebook page, but it has been heavy on my heart so I thought I needed to blog about it. This picture says a lot to me…..I think mainly due to the fact that the past 3-1/2 years has been hell on earth in so many ways. Besides my faith in God and the fact that He walks before me, the one thing I can totally always depend on is the man who is behind me. I know I have blogged about Dennis before but it hit me today especially just what he has done for me and continues to do.
It might come as a shock to you (ahem, insert sarcasm), but I have a very controlling, OCD, orderly, routine and structured personality. I need things to be in my control. I dislike change. I detest losing control. I cannot fly by the seat of my pants or drop and do things at the last-minute. I never have been good at that, and especially with Hannah; these things have become even worse for me than ever before. I honestly try my best to be easy to live with. I think I am successful most days at being sweet and loving; but I stay completely and utterly stressed out to the point of being riddled with anxiety. I am high-strung, type A, my-way-or-the-highway, control-freak extraordinaire and with Hannah’s illnesses those bad personality traits that I possess are impacted horribly, which makes me a nervous wreck and hot mess most days.
Dennis……my calming source and comedy relief. Seriously people, without his ability to make me laugh I probably would be in the looney-bin by now. He is my rock. He is the one who catches me when I stumble and who picks me up when I fall. He works so hard to provide all of our needs and so many of our wants (hence, my trip to NYC….that truly was an act of love and sacrifice on his part and even though it wasn’t a necessity per say, he saw it as one for my mental and emotional health). He works all day long and then comes home to a wife who might still be in her pajamas, with no makeup on, hair may or may not be brushed (teeth are, I promise) and I usually look like this (although my teeth are straighter and I am not missing any):
But, you get the overall picture! He comes home to a worn out wife, a child who demands his 100% attention and only wants him and he complies with no disgruntleness (is that a word)? He eats his “cold” dinner alone, gets his shower while I bathe Hannah and then he takes over from there. He dries her hair, plays in her playroom (mostly with Barbie’s) and they watch Andy Griffith, then he does Hannah’s medications, potty, reads her a bedtime story and lays in bed with her while they pray and she drifts off to sleep. All the while I go for my walk, shower, eat my dinner and snuggle under the blanket on the sofa watching General Hospital that I recorded from that day. I mean….REALLY? Just reading that is embarrassing, but I am honestly DONE emotionally, mentally and physically when he gets home…..But you know what? He never complains. I never hear….”you have all those clothes in your closet and you live in pajamas.” Or, “you know Tam, a little paint (make-up) fixes up an old barn really nice.” Yes, I take care of our child all day, clean, cook, do laundry….but he does SO much more.
I have honestly thought many times “what-if!” What-if I had to do this alone? What-if something happened to him and I had to provide for Hannah and me, take care of her, the house, outside the house (we live on land that has to be taken care of). What if, God forbid I lost that lion behind me? Dennis is my protector, my defender, my provider, my best friend……I take that for granted so much and I don’t want to. I want to be a better wife to him, but in all honesty….even though Hannah is doing better right now, I am still so worn out. This past 3-1/2 years has taken its toll on me in all aspects but I am going to try harder to be more than I have been. I am going to try to be a better wife and better mom. Life is hard, marriage is hard, parenting is hard but I have this amazing man behind me who encourages me, loves me, protects me and provides for me……perhaps I am making life harder than it has to be. I love that he lets me be me and he has allowed me to be selfish at times and have my alone time (which I need desperately), but I need to do a better job at showing him and telling him how much his love and support mean. I need to let him know more often that I am not scared of what is in front of me, because he is behind me.
Ladies, if you have someone behind you like I have behind me…..be thankful. Don’t take that lion for granted. I know I am going to try better to be more “present” and be a better wife. Kids drain you, I know Hannah does me but the man behind me…..well, I couldn’t do this without him and I need to do a better job of letting him know that!
Until next time……….