A whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and feelings going on inside of my heart, soul and mind here the past few weeks. I told Dennis yesterday, “you don’t know how good you feel each day until you are sick and realize how fortunate you are on a regular basis to feel well.” I have taken so much for granted lately and I have not been who God has called me to be. That is changing. A lot is changing. I have to get better and there will be some much-needed changes in my life physically, mentally and spiritually.
I will be honest, I have never been good at studying my Bible. When I was growing up the church I went to gave you rewards for having a daily Bible Study so it was easier then! HA! Don’t get me wrong. I will read scripture and my prayer life is much better than my Bible study life but I know it is something my life has been lacking. I have allowed the daily grind and routine to get in the way of me just taking the time to sit down and really give God some time. I mean, it is not like I don’t have it to give; I have just been in a blah state of mind the past……4 YEARS!
But, being sick, I haven’t felt like doing anything…..nothing….nada…..zip. I have trouble looking at the computer for too long. Typing is okay but scrolling around on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter isn’t happening and forget my online shopping as the scrolling and looking makes me want to throw up (literally); this has not upset Dennis at all! HA!
Yesterday, I sat in my office on the sofa and stared at a devotional book that my friend Sarah gave me awhile back. I had picked it up pretty regularly for a while to read that day’s devotion but then I just stopped. Yesterday, I picked it up and even though there are dates on each page I opened up to where the bookmark was. Now, first, this bookmark (again that Sarah gave me) reads…..”Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28. Well, if that isn’t exactly how I feel, I don’t know what is. I decided to read that day since the bookmark was so appropriate. It talked about how sometimes God’s gracious care comes in uncomfortable forms….the redeeming care of disappointment, unexpected trials, suffering and loss. How we struggle to grasp how He can possibly care for us and rest in that care knowing that He is enough and cares enough to give us what we need not what we want. The last sentence grabbed my heart in a way that sent chills down my spine and brought tears to my eyes. It says: “You care enough to break my bones in order to recapture my heart!” OUCH! TOUGH LOVE! TOES STEPPED ON! In other words…..sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to look up and say…..”Okay, God…..I give up!” I think that is the point God has had to bring me to.
Now I am not going to sit here and spill out all my faults, sins, misgivings, problems, insecurities, etc to you. Just suffice it to say, I have had a battle raging in my heart, mind and soul for a very long time. A battle of wills. A battle of rebellion. A battle of submission. A battle of confusion. A battle for contentment. A battle for joy. A battle for understanding. A battle of WHY’s. I will have a battle and either lose the battle or win it and then let it go but then something will happen and the battle will start all over and I will fight, rebel and then “let it go” (for a while of course before I pick it up again) and this has gone on and on and on again for well……13 years or so, but especially the past 4 years. The war was never won or completed. All these many battles in one big war. A fight that I kept picking up and never relinquishing control of. Yesterday, I relinquished. Control is no longer in my possession and for the first time I am at peace with that. He broke my bones so He could recapture my heart…….He WON!
Are the difficult days gone, NOPE….in fact I am sure the devil will do his very best to ruffle my feathers and tick me off. But, he will never win. Big things are happening (more to come on this but I have got to get well first and quickly). Life is short. Life is a moment in time. I was reminded of that today as I watched a video of a girl I never knew who lost her battle with cancer 5 years ago. We had a ton of mutual friends and here 5 years later Robyn Thomas has made an impact on me; someone who never met her. She reminded me of my friend Angie who lost her battle with cancer almost 6 years ago. Oh how I feel I have let her down by wasting so much time…..she never would have wasted one single second if she were still here with us. I don’t want to waste anymore time because the fact is (and 2 trips to the ER since June 6th have reinforced this) none of us are guaranteed tomorrow so we have to LIVE today.
More to come……lots to share……God is working and it took breaking my bones (figuratively not literally as my bones are still in tact) to recapture my heart.
****Please excuse grammatical and any other errors. Proofreading makes me nauseous.****
Until next time……..