Recapturing My Heart

A whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and feelings going on inside of my heart, soul and mind here the past few weeks.  I told Dennis yesterday, “you don’t know how good you feel each day until you are sick and realize how fortunate you are on a regular basis to feel well.”  I have taken so much for granted lately and I have not been who God has called me to be.  That is changing.  A lot is changing.  I have to get better and there will be some much-needed changes in my life physically, mentally and spiritually.

I will be honest, I have never been good at studying my Bible.  When I was growing up the church I went to gave you rewards for having a daily Bible Study so it was easier then!  HA!  Don’t get me wrong.  I will read scripture and my prayer life is much better than my Bible study life but I know it is something my life has been lacking.  I have allowed the daily grind and routine to get in the way of me just taking the time to sit down and really give God some time.  I mean, it is not like I don’t have it to give; I have just been in a blah state of mind the past……4 YEARS!

But, being sick, I haven’t felt like doing anything…..nothing….nada…  I have trouble looking at the computer for too long.  Typing is okay but scrolling around on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter isn’t happening and forget my online shopping as the scrolling and looking makes me want to throw up (literally); this has not upset Dennis at all!  HA!

Yesterday, I sat in my office on the sofa and stared at a devotional book that my friend Sarah gave me awhile back.  I had picked it up pretty regularly for a while to read that day’s devotion but then I just stopped.  Yesterday, I picked it up and even though there are dates on each page I opened up to where the bookmark was.  Now, first, this bookmark (again that Sarah gave me) reads…..”Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28.  Well, if that isn’t exactly how I feel, I don’t know what is.  I decided to read that day since the bookmark was so appropriate.  It talked about how sometimes God’s gracious care comes in uncomfortable forms….the redeeming care of disappointment, unexpected trials, suffering and loss.  How we struggle to grasp how He can possibly care for us and rest in that care knowing that He is enough and cares enough to give us what we need not what we want.  The last sentence grabbed my heart in a way that sent chills down my spine and brought tears to my eyes.  It says: “You care enough to break my bones in order to recapture my heart!”  OUCH!  TOUGH LOVE!  TOES STEPPED ON!  In other words…..sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to look up and say…..”Okay, God…..I give up!”  I think that is the point God has had to bring me to.

Now I am not going to sit here and spill out all my faults, sins, misgivings, problems, insecurities, etc to you.  Just suffice it to say, I have had a battle raging in my heart, mind and soul for a very long time.  A battle of wills.  A battle of rebellion.  A battle of submission.  A battle of confusion.  A battle for contentment.  A battle for joy.  A battle for understanding.  A battle of WHY’s.  I will have a battle and either lose the battle or win it and then let it go but then something will happen and the battle will start all over and I will fight, rebel and then “let it go” (for a while of course before I pick it up again) and this has gone on and on and on again for well……13 years or so, but especially the past 4 years.  The war was never won or completed.  All these  many battles in one big war.  A fight that I kept picking up and never relinquishing control of.  Yesterday, I relinquished.  Control is no longer in my possession and for the first time I am at peace with that.  He broke my bones so He could recapture my heart…….He WON!

Are the difficult days gone, NOPE….in fact I am sure the devil will do his very best to ruffle my feathers and tick me off.  But, he will never win.  Big things are happening (more to come on this but I have got to get well first and quickly).  Life is short.  Life is a moment in time.  I was reminded of that today as I watched a video of a girl I never knew who lost her battle with cancer 5 years ago.  We had a ton of mutual friends and here 5 years later Robyn Thomas has made an impact on me; someone who never met her.  She reminded me of my friend Angie who lost her battle with cancer almost 6 years ago.  Oh how I feel I have let her down by wasting so much time…..she never would have wasted one single second if she were still here with us.  I don’t want to waste anymore time because the fact is (and 2 trips to the ER since June 6th have reinforced this) none of us are guaranteed tomorrow so we have to LIVE today.

More to come……lots to share……God is working and it took breaking my bones (figuratively not literally as my bones are still in tact) to recapture my heart.

****Please excuse grammatical and any other errors.  Proofreading makes me nauseous.****

Until next time……..

When The Caregiver Is Sick

WOW!  So much in my life I have taken for granted over the years and my good health is one of those things.  I have learned lately that you don’t realize how good you feel on a daily basis until you are sick and really don’t feel well; heck, at times can’t even function.  Good health is nothing to be taken for granted.

Since Mother’s Day I have not felt well.  Now 2 trips to the Emergency Room later, an appointment with my primary care doctor, an appointment today with the GI doctor and one scheduled for Monday with the Neurologist the only thing that they can agree on is I have some type of infection possibly.  Question is if there is an infection, where is it so we can treat it?  I have a plethora of symptoms that if you google them I am dying.  HA!  I am not, I don’t think.  YIKES!  There have been moments/hours and days the past month that I felt like I was.  The girl who NEVER asks for help has had to ask for help.  My house, laundry, grocery shopping has been ignored (unless Dennis has done it) as some days I have hardly been able to make it from the bed to the sofa.  It has taken its toll but I am hoping and praying we are getting closer to answers (please pray that the doctor on Monday can pinpoint it exactly).  The problem, which is no fault of the medical professionals is the waiting for office visits and then testing.  The 2 times in the ER have been on orders from the doctor so they look for what could be expected and that is all.  They don’t dig deep like a Specialist does and that takes time.  The doctor today has her suspicions on what has caused all of this but again, we are being sent to another doctor and possibly another one after that to determine if our suspicions are correct.

The bad part about today’s visit is we are trying right now to treat the plethora of symptoms.  My stomach is a huge problem with the nausea (I am talking nausea all day long and Zofran doesn’t touch it).  It gets worse when I try to eat so I haven’t eaten anything except toast since Saturday and I am so weak because of that.  She gave me some medications and put me on a diet for the next 4 weeks to treat the gastritis.  That diet consists of chicken noodle soup, applesauce, toast, crackers, rice, bananas…..anything else that is bland.  I LIVE on salad and spicy foods (how do I ever survive without my black pepper and red pepper flakes)?  I guess those 5 pounds I have been wanting to drop will actually happen now.  HA!

I have trouble being on the computer, iPad, phone… makes me so dizzy, swimmy in my head and nauseous so I haven’t been on Facebook much or blogged.  I am seeing double typing this right now.  So weird.  Hopefully and prayerfully Monday will bring more answers.  So, if you think of it and want to say a prayer I would be forever grateful to you.  Please keep Hannah and Dennis in your prayers too as this has been hard on them as well.

I know I will be fine, we just have to figure this all out and get the proper treatment for the underlying problem instead of just treating the symptoms.  So, if I am missing in action for a while this is why.  I covet your prayers.  It is so hard needing to be 100% to care-give for my sweet girl and I am not.  In fact, many times the past month she has brought me a blanket and pillow, kissed my head, stroked my hair and told me “it will be okay mama, I hope you feel better soon.”  Now who is the caregiver?

Don’t take your health for granted……I know I never will again.  I will update when I know more and when I can look at the computer for longer than 10 minutes without wanting to vomit!

****Please ignore any typos.  I tried to proofread this but I had to stop.  The nausea is kicking my rear****

Until next time……….

Still Here

Hi faithful blog readers.  I have received a few messages wondering why I am MIA.  The fact is, I have been so busy and blogging has taken a backseat to life at the moment but I will take a minute and update you all.

  • Lots going on with Hannah…..quick little story.  We went to the Endocrinologist a few weeks ago and he was concerned as she has not grown (height or weight) and is in the less than 2% status,even on the Down Syndrome growth chart.  So he sent us to have an x-ray of her left hand to see what her growth plates show.  Girls usually are finished growing when their growth plates show 14 years old.  Hannah’s show 13 years and 6 months.  We were shocked….my nearly 13-year-old child is 4 feet tall and weighs 55 pounds and she is almost FULLY grown.  He said she probably won’t even hit 4’1!  Isn’t that crazy?  Now, the good news is when she stops growing her scoliosis will stop worsening so this is a good thing in that aspect.  Her scoliosis is at the point of needing surgery and Dennis and I both agreed that we were not going to filet her back open and put rods and screws in.  So, that is a HUGE blessing that it won’t continue to worsen.  The bad news is she will have difficulty with some tasks being independent one day.  One of Dennis’ favorite shows is Little People Big World on TLC and he said, wow, it will be like having a “little person” all the time.  He also had a great point…..Hannah is cognitively always going to be “young” so if she looks young then that will help her in the future.  All in all we aren’t too disappointed with this news…..I guess I get to keep her little forever and honestly, that is okay with me!
  • Let’s not talk about insurance and IVIG right now… isn’t pretty, but……perhaps it isn’t the best thing for her anyway.  I could write a book about this but I just don’t have time right now.  I am just trusting the Lord to allow His will to be done.  We go to the doctor this Tuesday to discuss where we go (if anywhere) from here.  IVIG might not be in the cards for us.
  • I have learned so much the last few weeks.  I wish I had time to sit here and pour my heart out to you but perhaps I can do that soon…..big things happening in our life and possibly big things happening with me getting to share our journey.  Stay tuned……..
  • I am so thankful for friends…….I am so blessed with some really good friends who are like family.  I am so grateful for friends who come alongside of you and offer to help in any way they can.  When you finally swallow your pride and ask for help they are right there!  I am also thankful for lifelong friends who have been to hell and back and yet they care more about you than what they have been through.  Together you share your different journey’s and you are each other’s safe place!  Then there are those friends you rarely get the chance to talk to yet you know all you have to do is pick up the phone and they would drop everything for you!  Not to mention Dennis’ friends who come alongside and say “whatever you need, we are here….always” Then, those lifelong work school/church/friends who check in on you constantly.  Oh, and not to forget those Facebook friends.  Aren’t you thankful for friends?  I sure am.  I am so thankful for each of you!
  • There is a major blog post series brewing in me, but I am trying to be cautious.  There is so much I want to say about Abuse.  Emotional, Mental and Physical.  In light of recent events old wounds have been re-opened, but I am trying to decide what to say or not to say.  Quite frankly I have a lot to say about not putting your trust in anyone, but it could come across as being very jaded and bitter… isn’t as much that, as scared for others.  I have learned that even the people you should be able to trust the most, you can’t…..more to come!  Don’t put your trust in man… your eyes and hope on the Lord ONLY!
  • Life is short.  Life is precious.  Life is hard.  Life is sacred.  Life is amazing.  Do your best to enjoy each moment…..even the hard ones.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

Until next time………