Trying Harder

I logged onto Facebook this morning and it is flooded with back to school pictures of my friends children.  Watching our kids grow up is so surreal.  One minute you are holding a tiny baby and the next minute they are entering middle school and high school.  Where does time go?  It goes so fast and as a mom it is hard sometimes.  That whole cutting the apron strings, turning them loose and allowing them to fly; sometimes making mistakes and falling flat on their faces so they learn.  So hard to watch, I am sure…..many prayers for my friends who have kids starting back to school today.  My situation is a tad bit different from most……

I have to admit, seeing all the pictures this morning made me happy for my friends but sad for me.  I so wish Hannah was heading back to school.  Tomorrow would be her first day at the school she would be going to.  We are entering our 5th year of not being able to go.  Hannah loved school the 3 years that she went.  She couldn’t wait to get in the car each morning and head to school to learn and play with her friends.  The past 4 years have been HARD on her and me.  I will admit to not being the best “home school mom.”  In fact, in all actuality I really suck at it.  With PANDAS, Hannah’s anxiety, her past aggression (hopefully this part is gone for good), her lethargy and no energy, etc homeschooling is really hard.  Some days I have allowed the iPad to replace actual work.  Of course when I say iPad, I am referring to educational apps and ABC mouse; things like that.  I am bound and determined to do better this year.  I am not starting until after Labor Day though.  I guess that is the good thing about homeschooling…..you start and end when you feel like it and you make your own schedule.  It is hard though…..constant 24/7 cooped up in this house.  I wish we could do field trips and co-ops; but not only due to germs but also Hannah’s increasing anxiety cripples us and we never leave the house.  Don’t get me wrong, I try to get her to just step foot outside but she is not interested.  She just wants to sit in her playroom (schoolroom) and never see the sun.  I even bribe her with Chick-fil-a (her favorite) just to get her outside and in the car and most of the time she changes her mind and wants to stay home and eat a PB & J instead.  Her anxiety has gotten worse and it is so hard on her and this weary mom.

I am struggling horribly with so much.  The day-to-day routine of the same repetitive conversations, routines, OCD behaviors and tasks.  It is like living in the movie Groundhog Day every single day……the same thing and I can understand how it could make you lose your mind.  I definitely have less patience than I used to, less motivation and drive than I used to and I find myself feeling like a zombie most days……just getting through the day anxiously awaiting bedtime!  HA!  Of course, me not feeling good now for almost 4 months doesn’t help.  But, we press on; what else can we do.  This is the life we have been dealt and I tell myself daily that it could be worse.

So, our school year will officially start in September but I am preparing now to do a better job than years past.  It is just hard to embrace home school life when it was NEVER your intention.  I applaud those friends of mine who chose this home school journey….you are better moms than I am.  I was forced into it due to Hannah’s health.  I LOVED the school she attended and she could have stayed there her entire school career had she not gotten sick and that makes me sad.  But, just like everything else in life, we take the good and the bad and we press forward and make the most out of it.  I believe that no matter where in life God has us we need to do it to the best of our ability.  We need to strive for doing all we do well; even if it is staying at home with a sick child…..circumstances shouldn’t change our strive to be the best.  That is my goal…..I have a job here at home.  It doesn’t pay financially but it pays in ways that matter the most…..I have the unique job of caring for a chronically ill special needs little girl who has had a grip on my heart from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  THIS job is the hardest job I have ever had, the saddest, the most challenging but the most rewarding as well.  If nothing else I can say I have given it my all for 13 years and now it is time to try to embrace this homeschooling journey as much as the parenting one……I am certainly going to put my best foot forward.

Praying we all have a good school year whatever that looks like in your world!

Until next time………

 

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3 thoughts on “Trying Harder

  1. I home school a son with DS who has experienced some of the same issues as Hannah. Just wondering if you would like to compare notes and exchange information?

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