Today My Heart Shattered

Today my heart shattered.  It may have something to do with the decline I have noticed in Hannah over the past week or two.  A slow, yet steady decline that we thought was (hopefully) just hiccups along the road and this journey we call PANDAS.  Last night, I realized…..yeah, this isn’t just a “hiccup,” but to spare you all the details I won’t divulge exactly why and how I came to that determination.  Let’s just say it was crystal clear to me.  Then, upon waking this morning a full-blown PANDAS flare hit me (almost literally) dead in the face.  To say I am surprised would be a lie; heartbroken is more the word and then later on this morning my heart literally shattered.

I am thankful for a Pediatrician who is a dear friend who understands this journey we are on and does every thing in her power to make this as easy as possible for me to cope with it.  At least, like many other parents, I don’t have to fight our doctor to understand or get things done and I am so very thankful for that blessing.  So many PANDAS families are struggling just to get doctors to treat their child.  Hannah has an infection.  We think it started in her kidneys and now it has caused the inflammation in her brain to spike and go haywire.  She is in a PANDAS flare all because of some bacteria/germ/infection.  Now before I “hear” it from some insensitive person about Vasayo, let me say this.  Vasayo never claims to heal anyone and I never claimed that any of Vasayo’s products would heal Hannah.  I have stated that they have helped her symptoms tremendously and from what I can tell with this flare so far they are continuing to make the symptoms less and contain them.  There is NO product on the market that will keep Hannah from flaring. IF there were, I would be a millionaire right now from selling it.  But, our products can help and are helping to offset the horrific symptoms of a flare.  As of right now, I know for a fact that the insomnia has not come back and the Renew is definitely helping to lessen the inflammation.  This definitely isn’t our worst flare ever and for that I am so very thankful.  A flare is a flare though and mild, moderate or severe they are no fun, hard, heartbreaking and frustrating for those living it.

I had to go to Publix this morning to pick up a new antibiotic for Hannah and this is when my heart shattered.  I picked up the prescription and as I was leaving the store I noticed a woman (probably my age) and her daughter (probably 12-14 years of age).  They were laughing as they were walking into the store and it hit me……it hit me hard.  I will never have that.  I will never have the mother/daughter bond where we laugh, carry on conversations, shop together, get mani’s and pedi’s, go on road trips, go to the movies, etc.  I have thought about that many times but this morning it hit me hard and I literally (no lie) felt my heart physically shatter.  It almost knocked the breath out of me.  Hannah will be 12 years old this month and it was almost like those hopes and dreams died all over again this morning.  I don’t know why it hit me so hard other than we are entering another flare and I don’t know how long this one will last (and it doesn’t help that I am out of my Vasayo Neuro which balances my mood and lowers my anxiety).  I feel it creeping up in me…..the anxiety, the depression, the wanting to scream because you can’t fix it or make it okay.  I hate watching Hannah suffer.  Today, she cried for a while and then bit her lip.  Then the biting became something she was fixated on (hello horrific OCD, the unwelcome guest) and even though it hurt, she kept doing it and wouldn’t stop.  Her brain wouldn’t let her stop.  No matter how much I cried and pleaded with her, she bit it more until it was bleeding and swollen.  Oh my heart aches.

PANDAS, if you don’t know about it, you can read throughout my blog more about it or of course google it.  But, it is a horrific, terrible, mind-altering disease.  I swear, I can’t even look at a Panda Bear anymore without getting angry (and I know it isn’t the bears fault, HA).  So, here we go…..another flare but this time with our Vasayo products to help us through it.  I believe with all I have they are going to help Hannah in the flare as much as they have out of a flare.  I guess there is nothing like putting products to the test……so, I promise to give you an update on how our Vasayo products work in a flare since this is our first flare since starting the products with Hannah.

Would y’all pray for us?  Pray for Hannah……please?


Until next time………..


7 thoughts on “Today My Heart Shattered

  1. Gary says:

    Sorry to hear about Hannah, Marianne and I will be praying for y’all.

  2. Lisa Appelo says:

    Tamara, I cannot imagine the over and over again heartache of not being able to fix it for Hannah. I am praying for you tonight, for your mom heart and the grief you’re carrying. ❤ And praying that this flare is over quickly.

  3. Margaret Dixon says:

    I have been praying for Hannah and promise to continue to do so. I will also pray for you that you will be able to handle this problem without having a shattered heart ❤️. Both of you are precious in God’s eyes, and surely we don’t understand why you must go through this experience, but PLEASE know you are not alone! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

  4. Matsha says:

    Prayers and tears for you, Dennis and Hannah. Also prayers for the naysayers. Ju s t remember you serve a God who is too perfect to make a mistake. You are loved by many and God is still good.

  5. Lisa Syler says:

    Oh my sweet sister….I am hurting so for you AND Hannah AND Dennis! I can only imagine the grief you must bear when these things happen! I so wish I could take some of it from you! I know being so isolated oftentimes also does not help! Thank you for blessing us with your transparency so we can better know how to pray for you ALL! Will she allow you to gently massage her back and/or her feet…perhaps to help calm a bit? I am praying fervently for God to supernaturally physically indwell Hannah’s body to provide peace at every level…and I am asking Him to shower you abundantly with peace, grace and mercy as you try to fully be that soft place for Hannah while dealing with your own incredible pain! Oh, sweet Jesus, please hover over Hannah, Tamara and Dennis with the “peace that passes ALL understanding”…be their calm in this storm and be Jehovah Raphah to precious Hannah, Lord! Please overwhelm her body, her brain, her soul with rest, and joy, and peace…and please hold them so very close to you! I pray in your most precious, most Holy and most Sovereign name!”

  6. Deb Klan says:

    Praying for you all my friend 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💗💗

  7. Nicole Aficial says:

    Prayers your way. I’m going to message you privately about something. This truly had my heart sink into my stomach. I hope I can help.

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