Yesterday I wrote about the horrific act of terrorist violence and also the death of a young singer in Orlando over the weekend. Those 2 horrible acts of violence still have my heart broken and raw.
Today, it is about the storm raging in my own home. What we are dealing with and have dealt with for almost 3 years now is NOTHING compared to the loss of those lives over the weekend; but it is my own personal hell. A hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone and the reason I beg God every.single.night to come get us and take us home. I long for Heaven. I long for peace. I long for no more sickness, pain or sorrow.
Hannah still isn’t sleeping…..so that makes for bad days when you don’t sleep at night. The drugs we use to get her to sleep work, but they don’t keep her asleep. So, about the time I fall asleep, she is getting up and down for the next 3-4 hours. I am exhausted, she is exhausted and that mix is lethal! I am so thankful for her Pediatrician trying to help and try different things to get her in a place of peace and comfort when she is in a “flare.” If any doctor has tried to help and has walked this entire journey with us, it is Dr. Kim. Last night, she suggested we start Prednisone again just to get Hannah in a safe place, since it truly does help the rage/attack episodes. I am not a fan of steroids but if they help Hannah, then we need to use them.
Hannah attacked me and then herself this morning and then melted into a puddle of tears…….it was about an hour after the Prednisone, but in all honesty we don’t think that was the reason; as she has never responded like that to Prednisone. She didn’t sleep last night so most likely the lack of sleep was the contributing factor. It is just so hard to know what triggers these attacks. They are truly heartbreaking! As a mom, you just want answers and you want to comfort your child when they are sad, in pain, frustrated…..but, I can’t with Hannah. When she gets like this I have to keep a safe distance and it makes my heart ache even more. I can’t do anything……
Would y’all pray for me this week? Dennis is having to go out-of-town and I just need this storm to stop raging for the week. I wanted so badly to go with Dennis but we just couldn’t make it happen this soon after going to Washington DC last month. So, now he is leaving and this storm is raging in our child and home. I just need her to be calm while he is gone……Dennis is the one who does ALL of Hannah’s bedtime routine…..medications, potty, teeth, bed…..she wants him to do it and I don’t blame her; she is with me all day long. Of course she wants him when he gets home….trust me, that does not hurt my feelings in the slightest! But, when he is gone, it is just the two of us and well, she doesn’t want it that way and that anger and frustration surfaces more than usual. Would you just pray for the storm to quiet…..better yet, pray for the storm to pass and never come back?
I have found myself over the last few weeks not even knowing how to pray…..I pray for peace in our home and in Hannah’s little life. I pray for a complete healing in Hannah (because I know HE is capable of performing that), but at this time none of those prayers have been answered. I don’t know why, but I know He has a reason and purpose for not answering my prayers the way I want them answered. I know sometimes it is just life and some people never get a break….that is how it feels for Hannah. She hasn’t had a break in 11 years almost; always one thing after another. But, this I know…..Jesus loves her, He loves me, He loves Dennis and He loves YOU too! So, no matter what you are facing in life, hold on……don’t give up……even when it becomes unbearable (trust me, I am preaching to the choir here). The storm may be raging but I know the ONE who can calm the storm or at the very least calm His child…….
Until next time……….