Trapped…….the word I use right now to describe Hannah. She seems trapped in herself. The little girl whose eyes once sparkled and shined when she smiled are now dull. The little girl who once smiled and radiated joy and happiness is now sad. The little girl who used to love to cuddle, hug and kiss now rarely wants to love on us or be loved by us. The little girl who once laughed doesn’t laugh anymore…..trapped…..trapped in herself.
I miss the little girl from 7 months ago. Heck, I miss the little girl from 6 weeks ago; that is when we started noticing her being trapped. We started noticing a steady decline and then she was suddenly different. The laughter stopped, the smiles ceased and her joy was gone. We don’t know what happened; we just know she isn’t the same.
Our hearts ache……we want answers but the answers we have gotten make us ache more. We want an easy fix but there isn’t one. We want her back; but right now she seems so far away. I have to watch her constantly; I used not to have to, as she would entertain herself for hours; now she doesn’t. She still runs fevers daily, has a low immune system and alot of tummy trouble; but those things are minor compared to everything else from the last 6 weeks. She went from 2 medications to about 10 and still……no definite change. She went from sleeping 12 straight hours at night to just.not.sleeping. She is restless and full of anxiety. Our hearts ache.
We pray……we know God hears but for some reason He has chosen to tell us to wait. If I was totally honest here I would say that I don’t agree with Him asking us to wait; but frankly He didn’t ask me! I don’t understand……probably won’t until Heaven. But, I cling to something my dear friend Karen told me back before Hannah was born. She said…..”Tamara, we don’t understand why but if we knew what God knew….if we could see and know what He does…..we would chose the same path that He has chosen for us. He knows the outcome. He knows the reason and we would want the same outcome. He just does not share that with us, but we have to trust Him through it all.” I truly remember thinking when she shared that with me that it couldn’t ever get any worse than that moment. Finding out I was pregnant with a child with special needs and 4 heart defects; being told that my baby wouldn’t survive birth. There was nothing worse than that…..but, right now; especially these last 6 weeks it is worse! So, once again I am clinging to what Karen told me. I am holding on for dear life and I AM TRUSTING God that He will carry Dennis, Hannah and me through this and get us through to the other side. I am trusting that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that we will all be better, stronger, healthier and more faithful afterwards. I am looking for the lesson in all of this. I am looking to see what God is trying to teach me and I am grasping His hand and holding on for dear life.
This is HARD. This is PAINFUL. This is AGONIZING. This is HEARTWRENCHING. This is SAD. This is SCARY. BUT……I hold on…..I trust God…..I lean on His everlasting arms and I have HOPE! Please pray for us. In some ways this is easier for me than Dennis and in some ways he handles this better than I do. Thankfully, so far, when I am weak; he is strong and when he is weak, I am strong. I think God is gracious to allow it to be that way. But, for a man…..he wants to just FIX it and he can’t; so in so many ways this affects him on a different level. Yes, I deal with it more…..24/7 for me and so I am probably a little more weary and tired; but Dennis has to go to work each day, leaving me to deal with it and I know that tears him up inside. He wants to be here to help; and for obvious reasons he can’t. I am thankful he works so hard for us……he sacrifices so much for us and especially lately for me; he has really sacrificed and I am so grateful to him for that. Please just pray for us……pray for change…..pray for that light at the end of the tunnel to come quickly……
I have learned through all of this that you cannot find your comfort in others. No person can give you what you are looking for…..only God can. I write for therapy. I write asking for prayer. I write to get my feelings out. But, only God can fix this. Only God can heal. Only God can provide the comfort and strength that we need to get through. When we walk through the valley, He alone, is our guide, our comforter, our strength and our peace. If you are going through a valley as I know so many people are…..I encourage you to find what you need in Christ……no one can do that for you.
Until next time……….